Jokes Thread!!!

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

two parrots standing on a perch , one says to the other , can you smell fish

[jay cluskey]

i called the local ramblers club this morning

the guy who answered just whent on and on and on

[jay cluskey]

posh lady having trouble with moles on her lawn she enlists the help of local irish gardener to sort problem out.
she says to him im off out for the day ill ring you later and see how youre getting on.
paddy says no problem

that afternoon she rings home and asks the gardener how he got on
he says ive tidied the garden round and sorted the pests out
how did you do that so quickly she asked
he said i buried the little bast**ds alive

[agbiv]

Guy buys a parrot for pet. Pet store assures him the parrot talks but doesn't disclose it belonged to a notoriously foul-mouthed pirate. Gets the parrot home and don'tcha know it starts swearing up a storm. Dude explains to the parrot he won't tolerate that language. Parrot replies ")(*&^%$#@! you and your ^%$& language rules." With that the new owner loses his cool, grabs the parrot and says "Let's see how you'd like some time out!" as he stuffs the parrot into the freezer. 5 minutes later he pulls the shivering bird out and places him on his perch. He queries the parrot about his choice of descriptive verbage and the parrot replies "I am heartily sorry for my past indescretions and will endevour to keep my language civil in the future." Dude is mightly impressed and asks him if a little time out is all it took. The parrot furtively looks around and says "Yeah...but what did the chicken & turkey do?"

[apneaboy]

Lessons in management

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ***** it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[agbiv]

Well put apneaboy!

Bear is taking a squat in the woods looks over and sees a rabbit doin' the same. "Hey rabbit does your poo stick to your fur?" asks the bear. The rabbit replies quite uppity "Why no it most certainly does not!" "Great!!!" shouts the bear, grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.

[jay cluskey]

a wife is cheesed off with her husband coming in drunk so she tries some reverse phsycology .
her husband staggers in the next night and she is waiting for him in her best lingerie, she sits him down in an armchair and starts to give him a nice shoulder massage.
after a few minutes she says to him , its getting late big boy, why dont we go upstairs to bed.
"we might as well " slurrs the husband " im gonna be in deep shit when i get home anyway"

[jay cluskey]

a scotsman walked into a bakers and points to a cake and says

"is that a macaroon or a meringue ? "

"no" says the lady "youre right its a macaroon"

[apneaboy]

Heres one for you Jay

A scouser rings his local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. After spending most of his dole money on a £2.73 new white shell suit and £1.32 on white stilettos for her last outfit he only has £1 left so he can only afford three words in the paper.

He phones the paper and says write 'Margaret is dead'

The guy at the paper felt sorry for him so he says he can have three more words with no extra charge.

The scouser said can you write 'Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale'

[jay cluskey]

apparently clumsy people are more likely to become obese

because they keep on walking into things .........

like........mcdonalds

[agbiv]

Oh Jay! Open mouth insert food!

[apneaboy]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment , it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

[jay cluskey]

ive been dating a girl with a wooden leg until recently

i broke it off

[jay cluskey]

paddy and mick were in prison , the had devised a great method of comunicating with each other, they invented a code were they would bang on the hot water pipes with a spoon. the system worked perfectly for a time but it sadly broke down when they were transfered to seperate cells

[agbiv]

Oh Jesus & begorragh!