Jokes Thread!!!

[mishu1984]

i have 3 great jokes:
1-chelsea
2-arse-nal
3-liverpool

[jay cluskey]

how many blonde jokes are there ..

two

all the rest are true stories

[Adrian]

uh "Quick Sands"?...

[shoutatthesky]

Yeah just watch it buddy! There are a few of us blondes out here! What is your address by the way?
Did you hear the one about the duck standing by the side of the road?
About to walk across - He had just put one foot on the road when a chicken came along and said, "I wouldn't do that mate, you'll never hear the end of it."

[agbiv]

Attroney I worked for won a HUGE case and bought a Ferrari with some of the earnings. However he was afraid to drive it due to the fear of State Troopers stopping him. After about 6 months he had to take a continuing educate class in El Paso to keep his law license current. "Ah!" he mused "I'lll take the back roads and drive the Ferrari and see what she'll do!"

Zooming at 220 mph along old HWY 90, out in the middle of nowwhere he crested a hill and below him was a little one horse town. It had one gas station, one cafe, one store and one stop light--and it was red. He screeched to a stop and checked around for the fuzz. None in sight but up along side him a local kid on a moped pulls up. "Gee mister, that sure is a purtty car!. Look at the paint job, it's sooo smooth and red" (It WAS a red Ferrari) "Bet this car is worth a bundle!" he exclaimed. "Thanks son" replied the attorney "And yes, it's quite an expensive vehicle." The kid leans in and sniffed loudly--"It smells so new and look at the dash board! Looks like the dash board on a jet airplane! Does this car go fast mister?" The attorney is very flatterred and says "Why yes it is brand new and it really goes fast!'

About that time the light changes to green and the attorney romps on the accelerator speeding away in a cloud of dust. At 180 mph he thinks "I sure wish I could've seen the look on that kids face!" Looking in the rear view mirror he sees a speck and it's gaining on him. "Blast it all! A one horse town and they have a motorcycle cop!" He begins slowing down and zoom he's passed on the right side by the kid on the moped doing at least 250 mph! The attorney panics and immidiately thinks somethings wrong with his car. As he slows down--zing--kid speeds by going the other ways, just as fast! Now the attorney is sure that something's wrong with the car. He pulls over onto the shoulder and BLAP--he's rear ended by the kid on the moped! Attorney jumps out and and runs behind the car. There's a huge dent in the rear and the moped is destroyed. The guy is pissed!

But then he sees the kid lying in the ditch and feels compassion. He runs over and says "Son, son, are you alright, should I call an ambulance?" Kid rolls over and says: "I'm fine mister...but could you PLEASE unhook my suspender from the side view mirror?" Tah dum dum (Thank God I'm gainfully employed during the day.)

[apneaboy]

Quick test to see if a dog is really mans best friend.

Put your missus and your dog in the boot of the car, wait for 30 minutes and when you return see which one is more happy to see you.......

Let me know how that goes

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

how many blonde jokes are there ..

two

all the rest are true stories

Right you're BANNED!!!

[drunkinbda]

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

[roy_nexus_6]

A financial analyst reflecting on the market crash:


"this is worse than a divorce... I lost half my net worth and I still have a wife"

[agbiv]

A congergation is at worship one Sunday morning when, just before the sermon, a huge explosion of fire and brimstone billows out from the front of the church and Beelzebul, Satan hisself, strides into the main aisle.

He points his pitch fork at the folk and hisses "I'm here to steal your everloving immortal souls!" With that the entire congregation shrieks and, including the Pastor, dashes out the doors--with one exception. Right in the middle of the church sits a little old man in hes regular pew quite calmly.

Satan stalks up to him and cackles "Everyone else pissed themselves and fled..aren't you afraid of me too?" The fellow cleans his specs and stares at the Lord of Darkness replying...

"Why should I be afraid of you? I was married to your sister for 47 years!"

[mccordia]

Q: What does an Englishman do after watching the UK win the worldcup with soccer (football)
A: Turn off his playstation

[mccordia]

Q: Who invented copper wire
A: Two Dutch guys fighting over a nickel

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by mccordia

Q: Who invented copper wire
A: Two Dutch guys fighting over a nickel

i thought that was the Scots

[roy_nexus_6]

Originally Posted by mccordia

Q: Who invented copper wire
A: Two Dutch guys fighting over a nickel

My father once told me that: " The Dutch are known for their fighting spirit and kindness" ... and after spending recently 2 weeks in Rotterdam (business trip) I concur with what he said.

[mccordia]

I hope that was a 'fighting spirit' in a positive way?

And your Blade Runner Quote is also from a Dutch guy...

Its usually a shame people (or actually foreign media) dont look any further than the 'Disneyland on crack' tourist dump people call Amsterdam, and see the real Holland.
But thats a subject for another thread than the jokes one...