Jokes Thread!!!

[Groupermadness]

A middle aged man walks into a respectible bar and sits down and a cat jumped up on the bar next to him and sat looking at the barman,
“A double whisky and a double burger for the cat” said the stranger.
The barman obliged and set down a double whisky and a double burger , the guy downed the drink and the cat ate the burger, “Same again” said the guy , double whisky and a burger.

This continued for a couple of hours untill the Barman got curious,
“You have drunk 27 double whiskys and that cat has put away the same in burgers” you are not even wobly and the cat isnt any fatter either”, How is that possable”, “let me tell you said the guy.
İ was walking along when i saw a fairy with a broken wing, i patched her up and she gave me 3 wishes
So, 1, i asked never to be poor again and my wallet is never empty.
2, i said i never want to be drunk again and i can drink any amount of alcohol without feeling drunk,
and 3 i asked for an insatiable pussy, but i think she got me wrong on that one.

[AdamLeeLoy2005]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' He says,

'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that ... Can I see her wun awound?"

[Freediver81]

Miles, you are the King Joker!!!

Said

[miles]

In our current internet age:

CHILD: Dad, where did I come from?

DAD: O.K., we had to have this conversation someday! Well, you see, Dad
and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom
and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some
downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, we
discovered that there was no firewall. Since it was a bit too late to
cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn
virus appeared!

CHILD: Huh?

[miles]

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

[SurfnSpear]

Lion Warning!!!!

A good one especially for Oldsarge!



Enjoy.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by SurfnSpear

Lion Warning!!!!

A good one especially for Oldsarge!



Enjoy.

I saw something very similar once but from the US Forest Service in Colorado and it was for bears.....

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

The devil should find someone to revise his contracts!!!

Said

Quite funny when it's coming from a lawyer.

I had to post the next joke only because it's a blond joke (I'm also blond so I'm allowed to ridicule blonds).

A blonde discovered her boyfriend is cheating on her so she got a gun and went to his house. She found him there in bed with a redhead. She pulled the gun out, shot the redhead and then she pinned the gun against her own head. "Honey! Don't do it!!" shouted the boyfriend. "Shut up! You're next!" she shouted back.

All apologies.

[jimdoe2you]

In college I taught scuba (Naui 12425).

There were a few student comments that caused me to worry when I was a student instructor at the University of Florida Acedemic Diving Program:


1. The student that challenged me to a race to the surface.

2. The student that asked which fin goes on which foot.

3. The student that claimed it is humanly impossible to lift a cylinder with 3000 pounds of air in it.

4.The student that tried to pay me to take him to a depth to get narced.

Ah, ...............life is stranger than fiction!!!!

[crusty]

I had a blonde student ( blonde in all the ways) who completed here taskes
faster narced at 38M than on the Surface

Crusty

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by jimdoe2you

A woman is playing a round of golf by herself and while standing on the green of the 8th hole, she says out loud, "If I could just make par on this hole, I'd do anything."

<...snip...>

The woman giggles for a moment, then turns and shakes hands with him and says,....................."It's nice to meet you, my name Sister Mary Kathrine!"

I sent this one to my priest.... He was amused... I think.....

[miles]

Cats'n dogs

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 183

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!




EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal and some slops from a tin. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may vandalise another table leg.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured but I can wait, it is only a matter of time....

[miles]

Kids Don't You Just Love Em'

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age
6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[miles]

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by miles

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

They swallow.
Well, that's what Peter Pederson told me.