Jokes Thread!!!

[Bill]

dateline Dec '08

The Presidential election was too close to call.*Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate who caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner, and after much negotiation and discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Barak Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama again came in with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night, after John Mc. returns with 50 fish, Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me: How is John Mc. cheating?'

'Harry, you're not going to believe this,' Obama replied, 'but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

[jay cluskey]

a man was walking along a californian beach in deep prayer. all of a sudden he said " oh lord grant me one wish. the clouds parted and a booming voice said , because you have been faithfull in all ways you shall have one wish

the man said , can you build a bridge to hawaii so i can drive over any time i want

the lord replied,, your wish is very materialistic.think of the enourmous challenges for that kind of undertaking. the supports required to reach the bottom of the pacific the steel and concrete required , i can do it but it will be hard to justify your desire for worldly things.take a little time on another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me, .

the man thought for some time , lord i want to understand women ,i want to know how they feel inside , what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how i can make a women trully happy

the lord replied" would you like two lanes or four lanes on that bridge

[drunkinbda]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[drunkinbda]

the whole page goes together.. awesome

http://www.mbacasestudysolutions.com...k_Lessons.html

[jay cluskey]

just quit my job at the local helium factory

i refuse to be spoken to in that tone

[jay cluskey]

freindship is like incontinance

everyone can see it

but only you can feel its true warmth

[jay cluskey]

a lorry carrying copies of , rogets thesaurus, shed its load across the carridge way of the m62 today


onlookers were said to be stunned,bewildered,dumbfounded,astonished,shocked, flabbergasted,startled,speechless and amazed

[jay cluskey]

how do you turn a fox into an elephant

marry it

[apneaboy]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

[apneaboy]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty quid,' she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its
Only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of Minutes
When all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer.
'''Ello, 'ello, whot's going on here then, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
''Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light on her face

[jay cluskey]

i saw my neighbour digging a hole in his garden today

i asked " what are you up to mate "

he replied " im gonna dig a realy deep hole , fill it with water and have a bucket that we can send down to get water whenever we need it"

i thought to my self , ill leave him to it , he means well

[agbiv]

Oh man, that was really deep!

[jay cluskey]

i have a dream. a dream ,that one day ,chickens will cross the road without having their motives questioned..

[jay cluskey]

wife.. "how come when i try clothes on in one shop im a size 10 and if i try clothes on in another shop down the road im a size 12?"

husband.... " is there a mc donalds on the way to the next shop fatty "

[wdaf]

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat.
Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

Scott Adams, Dogbert; Dilbert cartoons