Jokes Thread!!!

[apneaboy]

Its usually a shame people (or actually foreign media) dont look any further than the 'Disneyland on crack' tourist dump people call Amsterdam, and see the real Holland.

I wouldn't be inviting Jay over, we have the same problems with scousers nicking bikes as you did with the Germans

[podge]

not really a joke but it made me smile-

[BennyB]

Of course anything linked, uploaded or mentioned here is going to be in line with DeeperBlue.com's policy of PG 13 isn't it folks?

Thought so

[agbiv]

Mountainman shows up at PETA convention and takes a stand outside. As the convention breaks up he's seen jumping up & down on a large metal plate in the street screaming "88...88...88!" PETA supporter walks up asks what all the hullabaloo is about. Mountainman replies "I'm making a stand against Prop 88 in California. Can you spell me for a sec?" PETA supporter jumps on plate and starts the up & down thing screaming "88...88...88!" Mountainman yanks the MANHOLE COVER back & poor PETA zips down into the nether world.

Mountainman gets back on the plate and begins jumping and shouting "89...89...89!"

[agbiv]

Fellow shows up at work sporting two puffy blackeyes. Coworker asks him what happened?

"Well...last evening I had a couple of beers following work and headed home on the subway. It was standing room only. Right in front of me was a rather large lady and her dress was, well, wedged in between her cheeks real tight. Thought I'd do her a favor and tugged it out. She turned around and blasted me in the left eye!"

"Oh...not too bright duffus," retorts the coworker. "What happened to the right eye?"

"Well..after a few minutes of thought...I figured she wanted it that way and tucked it back in!"

[felipe felop]

Just bought the missus her xmas present early,a new belt & bag,the hoover works great now

[agbiv]

Little old lady, wrapped in her shawl, and carrying her loyal cat Thomas, is walking down the beach. She espies a strange bottle protruding from the sand. Picking it up she brushes it off and opens it. A huge cloud of smoke billows out and a giant genie appears and bellows, "I was imprisoned in this bottle 3,000 years ago by King Solomon! You've got 3 wishes but make'm qick 'cause I've go places to go & people to see!"

The little old lady says "Well...I would like to be young and beautiful again-like I was at 22!" Genie waves his hand and it is so--she's a 22 year old knock out.

Then she decides "Make me permanently rich beyond my wildest dreams!" The genie claps his hands and assures her she has billions now.

Lastly she muses "I want someone to spend my new life and wealth with. I was married to Harry for 64 years but he passed away last year." The genie interupts "Only GOD can raise the dead. Pick someone else."

"Well...how about Thoms, my loyal cat? He's always been faithful and we really enjoy each other. Please turn him into a handsome young man and we'll start a new life together!" Genie snaps his fingers and, along with Thomas, disappears in a cloud of smoke. Down the beach appears a handsome young man.

The two run together embrace and fall to the sand. The lady is stroking Thomas' head and sighs,"Oh Thomas, we're young, wealthy and have each other. What more could we want?"

Thomas gazes into her eyes and says:

"I guess you're sorry you had me fixed now--huh?"

[strangelove]

Do you know why men get excited when women dress in leather
Because they smell like a new car !

[Whopperhead]

not really a joke but really funny!

YouTube - SuperBowl Bud Commercial

[felipe felop]

nice one whopperhead,i can only picture my missus doing the same with the reins on & the moose sat next to me hehehe chuckle i did

[felipe felop]

BREAKING NEWS liverpool football club have just signed 2 new players,an italian & a japanese player,called robatelli & nikamotor

[jay cluskey]

An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any bloody Frenchmen to show it to."

[jay cluskey]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

[apneaboy]

And so endeth the political correctness lesson as taught by Jay. LOL

[devondave]

WIFE :- " What would you do if I won the Lottery ? "
HUSBAND :- " I'd take half , then leave you "
WIFE :- " Good , I had three numbers come up , here's £5 , now **** off "