Jokes Thread!!!

[fcallagy]

Jay i cant give you more rep but thats class.

[apneaboy]

Jay i cant give you more rep but thats class.

I'll have some then, p.s. don't let Jay see this

An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first ...


Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free scouse (translation, a person from Liverpool) barbecues to all that can go and collect them.
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

· Sainsbury
· Morrison's
· Costco
· Kwik Save
· Somerfield
· Aldi
· ASDA
· Tesco
· Iceland
· Lidl

All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.



Attachment 24900

[Pliny]

Why, someone asked, do divers always dive in pairs?
Because, I said, it reduces your chances of being eaten by the shark in half.

[jay cluskey]

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'who's been eating
my porridge?!!', he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.He
looks into his big bowl,and it is also empty. ' Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!,' he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, 'For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!

[Pliny]

Two divers go spear-fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, “I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.”
The other answers, “Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.”
“You idiot!” cries the first, “How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?”
(Literary Credit to Smokey's Divers Den)

[apneaboy]

And what did the first one say then

[jay cluskey]

i think the first one killed it by sayin(litery credit to smokeys divers den)
whats that got to do with spearing ????????

[apneaboy]

Smokeys Divers Den - Lighter Side - Polish Divers

Cut n' pasting jokes Jay, something i'm sure you never have done

This site contains the entire contents of sickipedia now

[devondave]

( Not sure if this hasn't already appeared .)

A mother answers the door to an angry neighbour . The neighbour is holding the mother's son by one ear .
" I've just caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my daughter . " Exclaimed the neighbour .
" Well , " Says the mother , " I suppose they're both at that age when youngsters start to show an interest in the bodies of the opposite sex , perhaps we shouldn't be too hard on them . "
" I don't care about that . " Says the neighbour . " He was trying to take her bloody appendix out with a penknife . "

[apneaboy]

Anyone who has met me maybe wondering how i keep so in shape... well some words of wisdom from my Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

[mishu1984]

nice quote in the end. id give some karma but i have to spread it around some first

[apneaboy]

Two Red Indians & an Irishman



Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All
of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave..


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.


The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'


The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.


Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to
the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, 'Hey, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger
than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an
answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'


With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.




The following day, the headline of the local newspaper
read...............


NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[agbiv]

Not a joke but really happened (conversation parphrased).

Early one morning, walking on the beach at Port Aransas with the wife...
as we pass a nubile young beauty undressing.

Wifie: Did you see that girl undressing?

Me: What girl? (Thank God for dark sunglasses with the idiot string which kept my eyeballs in their sockets).

Wifie: That girl right over there! I wish I had a body like that.

Me: (Now looking with permission) Oh! That girl! Me too.

Did you know that you can see stars in the daylight...especially when clanged on the side of the head with a beach bag.

[apneaboy]

Wifie: That girl right over there! I wish I had a body like that.

Me (Now looking with permission) Oh! That girl! Me too.

Sex changes are all the rage nowadys buddy, you just go for it girl

[mishu1984]

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool