All right, Its stinking cold and I've had it! Its been cold for a week, below freezing for the last 3 days. Alaska's warmer than Florida and its way past time to fix the BLAME!
Technical types may explain the the cold weather is caused by the position of the jet stream, influenced by the North Atlantic Oscillation, which goes back to El Nino and then, of course, everything is affected by the ridiculous amounts of carbon all of us have been pumping out for a hundred years or so. Global warming, the root of all evil.
I say, hooey. Its obvious that somebody has it in for Florida. We been jinxed!
Now, before you rational, cold climate types start sniggering, you have to understand that this is Florida. Magic is a fact of life. Everybody knows that. We got the Magic Kingdom, Haitian voodoo, Cuban Santeria, Mexican Santa Muerte (Saint Death), wacko religious fundamentalists of every imaginable shade and lots more. Nearly everybody believed that house prices could only go up and more than half the population still believes global warming is a commie/liberal plot. Down here we work outside in shorts and t-shirts, year round. On really cold days, maybe long pants and a long sleeve shirt ,at most, until noon when it warms up. So what do we got now? The place is collapsing, it snowed in freaking Naples(the same latitude as Miami), my garden's history, gizillions of orange trees are checking out, fish are freezing to death all over the place, lizards falling out of the trees, stone dead. I tell ya, its awful and SOMEBODYS at fault. Somebody has put the hex on us. Somebody with enough weather juju to pull it off. But Who????
Maybe Stepanik. He's got some serious magic when it comes to depth. Hmmm, naa, can't be. He lives in Florida. This stuff is bad for his business; frozen stiff divers don't generate much cash flow.
Maybe JimDoe2you. He's crazy enough. Hmmm, naa, he lives in Florida too and sells dive gear.
Maybe Sanso? He's one of those cold water types. Naa, no motive.
Maybe Ildiver. He's got motive. I took him to a Florida spring that's world famous for its magical cures and he insulted it, said it was a sulfur pit. So what if the vis is crap and the water will eat your gear, it was winter and the water temp stays at 85 degrees F. Great place, but somehow I think he didn't appreciate it. Hmmm, On further consideration, he doesn't command that kind of juju.
Maybe Jon. Naa, he needs all his magic to protect him from the ridiculous temps he dives in and I can't get him to come to Florida to dive with me for even a day. No motive there.
Maybe Unirdna. Now, there's a possibility. He has fabulous weather juju. I dive with the guy and he can calm a hurricane. I've seen the weather so bad that my son and I were cowering in the boat, wondering why the heck we ever left home while Unirdna's plane was landing in a 50 knot squall. By the time his taxi arrives from the airport (it only takes 5 minutes) the sun's out, wind is calm, its a gorgeous summer day and the 4-6 ft slop in the Gulf Stream flattens out so its a nice boat ride to Bimini. And he manages to do close to that every time he flies in, has been doing it for years. The guy is flat out magic, so it could be him. Hmm, on second thought, he's coming down for another Bahama trip with me this summer. He blacks out a lot and knows I'm a vindictive sob. Well, I guess it couldn't be him; he's too smart to put himself in that kind of danger.
Fondueset. That's it, its Him! Who else would it be? Lets examine this. Fondueset's more than a little twisted and a devotee of all those weird eastern, yoga, martial arts, mystical things that must mean he has access to lots of magic. I know for a fact that his weather juju is among the very best. I mean, who else do you know who could conjure up a huge hail storm in the middle of summer as a welcoming stunt for a poor slob from Florida who came up to dive with him, have it last for 5 minutes and then make it disappear entirely in 3 minutes flat. You got to admit, that's pretty talented. He hails from Traverse City Michigan. That's north of the majority of the population of Canada, and he so bad off that he has to dive in winter. Its so cold that sometimes he freezes to the ladder at the local dive spot. Clearly, he must be envious of Florida's t-shirt wetsuits. Michigan has the kind of cold that can make your privates disappear. Dive too much up there and they might disappear permanently. Ah Ha!! we have a motive! Its an obvious case of penis envy.
I think its him, but, maybe I'm wrong. What do you think?
Technical types may explain the the cold weather is caused by the position of the jet stream, influenced by the North Atlantic Oscillation, which goes back to El Nino and then, of course, everything is affected by the ridiculous amounts of carbon all of us have been pumping out for a hundred years or so. Global warming, the root of all evil.
I say, hooey. Its obvious that somebody has it in for Florida. We been jinxed!
Now, before you rational, cold climate types start sniggering, you have to understand that this is Florida. Magic is a fact of life. Everybody knows that. We got the Magic Kingdom, Haitian voodoo, Cuban Santeria, Mexican Santa Muerte (Saint Death), wacko religious fundamentalists of every imaginable shade and lots more. Nearly everybody believed that house prices could only go up and more than half the population still believes global warming is a commie/liberal plot. Down here we work outside in shorts and t-shirts, year round. On really cold days, maybe long pants and a long sleeve shirt ,at most, until noon when it warms up. So what do we got now? The place is collapsing, it snowed in freaking Naples(the same latitude as Miami), my garden's history, gizillions of orange trees are checking out, fish are freezing to death all over the place, lizards falling out of the trees, stone dead. I tell ya, its awful and SOMEBODYS at fault. Somebody has put the hex on us. Somebody with enough weather juju to pull it off. But Who????
Maybe Stepanik. He's got some serious magic when it comes to depth. Hmmm, naa, can't be. He lives in Florida. This stuff is bad for his business; frozen stiff divers don't generate much cash flow.
Maybe JimDoe2you. He's crazy enough. Hmmm, naa, he lives in Florida too and sells dive gear.
Maybe Sanso? He's one of those cold water types. Naa, no motive.
Maybe Ildiver. He's got motive. I took him to a Florida spring that's world famous for its magical cures and he insulted it, said it was a sulfur pit. So what if the vis is crap and the water will eat your gear, it was winter and the water temp stays at 85 degrees F. Great place, but somehow I think he didn't appreciate it. Hmmm, On further consideration, he doesn't command that kind of juju.
Maybe Jon. Naa, he needs all his magic to protect him from the ridiculous temps he dives in and I can't get him to come to Florida to dive with me for even a day. No motive there.
Maybe Unirdna. Now, there's a possibility. He has fabulous weather juju. I dive with the guy and he can calm a hurricane. I've seen the weather so bad that my son and I were cowering in the boat, wondering why the heck we ever left home while Unirdna's plane was landing in a 50 knot squall. By the time his taxi arrives from the airport (it only takes 5 minutes) the sun's out, wind is calm, its a gorgeous summer day and the 4-6 ft slop in the Gulf Stream flattens out so its a nice boat ride to Bimini. And he manages to do close to that every time he flies in, has been doing it for years. The guy is flat out magic, so it could be him. Hmm, on second thought, he's coming down for another Bahama trip with me this summer. He blacks out a lot and knows I'm a vindictive sob. Well, I guess it couldn't be him; he's too smart to put himself in that kind of danger.
Fondueset. That's it, its Him! Who else would it be? Lets examine this. Fondueset's more than a little twisted and a devotee of all those weird eastern, yoga, martial arts, mystical things that must mean he has access to lots of magic. I know for a fact that his weather juju is among the very best. I mean, who else do you know who could conjure up a huge hail storm in the middle of summer as a welcoming stunt for a poor slob from Florida who came up to dive with him, have it last for 5 minutes and then make it disappear entirely in 3 minutes flat. You got to admit, that's pretty talented. He hails from Traverse City Michigan. That's north of the majority of the population of Canada, and he so bad off that he has to dive in winter. Its so cold that sometimes he freezes to the ladder at the local dive spot. Clearly, he must be envious of Florida's t-shirt wetsuits. Michigan has the kind of cold that can make your privates disappear. Dive too much up there and they might disappear permanently. Ah Ha!! we have a motive! Its an obvious case of penis envy.
I think its him, but, maybe I'm wrong. What do you think?
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