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Dive Humour

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
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Certified SCUBA Rider
May 7, 2002
There are some classics here. Enjoy

How To Fail Your Open Water Test.

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000
pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel

How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Suffering From 'narcs'

a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

What Not To Say On A Dive Boat

a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy???? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"

When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?

a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at
the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult
to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with
your buddy.

How Good Is Your Instructor?
You know more than your instructor when: -

a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag
yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

Do You Know Your Buddy?
Does your buddy hate you if: -

a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel?
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get
you some" and swims off?
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet?

Is your buddy experienced if: -

a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know
it's time to surface"?
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