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Funny email I received!!!

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
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Oct 8, 2002
**Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody**
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.

When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do
that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here,Kn*bhead?

People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be ears, Wellington boots?

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

People who announce they are going to the toilet.T hanks that's an image I really didn't need.

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering. It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'.
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
And Another One!!!!

Doing the Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it.
The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. However, just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

“No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden, there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts: "All right, enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"
Another one

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She lethim go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell
you, never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
George Bush visits the UK(How topical ) and gets an audience with the Queen. As they are sat drinking their tea, he says

"You know, Your Highness, I think i'd like to change the US to a Kingdom"

The queen replies,
"But you cant George, in order to do that you would have to be a king, and you're not"

"Well, how about a principality?"

"No George, in order to do that you would have to be a Prince and you're not"

"Ok so how about an Empire"

"No George, to do that you would have to be an emperor. ........ "

And then Before Bush can say another word

"Dont worry George, I think you're doing just fine as a country!!"
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On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
>people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:
>2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
>2 French men and 1 French woman
> 2 German men and 1 German woman
>2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
>2 English men and 1 English woman
>2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
>2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
>2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
>2 American men and 1 American woman
>2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
>One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the
>middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
>One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
>The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
>The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
>the German woman.
>The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
>cleaning and cooking for them.
>The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another
>long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
>The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
>The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
>a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees
>their stores.
>The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
>American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature
>of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
>fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
>make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
>her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is
>improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
>The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
>The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up
>distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
>sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're
>satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.....
I know that water has got absolutely nothing to do with this thread, and who the hell would have a forum that has even the remotest suggestion that water even existed. But while we are on the subject of water, which we weren't but are now.
Have you ever been swimming and laughed so much that you f@#*ken near drown before you can stop?
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Hey Poida,

I passed my Tahiti 120 to dive buddy for a test shot. I decided to follow him down and have a look at his face when that thing fired. He dropped to the 10m bottom and I followed without him knowing I was there. He selected a big mullet way off in the distance KABOOM. All the air left his lungs in the shock. I laughed so hard swallowed a gallon of sea water and we both had to sprint back to the surface. Man it took like 10 minutes for both of us to recover. Its the hardest I have laughed in the water :D

I just got around to reading these jokes, top effort guys you got anymore shane :D

Shane, these are great jokes, just what we need while the rain pours down and the surf pounds....no diving this week!!
Thanks a bunch.....and have some Karma! :cool:
I will post any funny ones I receive. Most of them are too filthy for posting, unless Stephan decides to set up a new Over 18's section on the forum :D

That would suit me a treat. Could get arrested though HAHAHAHAHA
Thanks, Shaca!
I've forwarded a couple of these to friends scattered here and there....they love em!
Good ones!
I think I needed a good laugh this week. :cool:
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his
name is. "Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq
without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President
when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to
Osama Bin Laden?"Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's
right --- question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?"
One day a biker took his ride and went for a ride. At the time that he was hitting some great speeds he hit to a sparrow who was just passing over the road, the sparrow was tinted to the helmet and the biker stopped in a hurry to look at him. He saw that the sparrow is still alive and took him to a vet. bought him a cage, put some water and also some food to recover.

Days passed and one day when the biker was at the work sparrow wake up!

He glanced at the cage,

he looked at the water

he looked at the food

and said

"Damn I must have killed him!"
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