Little Johnny Joke

[island_sands]

Little Johnny was in his seat on an airplane when a fellow passenger took the seat next to him.

The stranger said "Hi....as long as we are going to be travelling companions for the next three hours lets talk ..... I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. They all eat the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t?"

 

[Poida]

Lolarofl
Wms
Sms

 

[island_sands]

Lolarofl
Wms
Sms

i need translation poida... or are you writing wms (wetting myself?)
sms (i wont say?)

 

[miles]

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the
moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt SARA was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt SARA when she's been drinking."

 

[bdurrett]

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids
.....<snip>.....

"Stay the hell away from Aunt SARA when she's been drinking."

Miles.....

You in a heap o trouble now, Chief! rofl rofl rofl rofl

 

[Amphibious]

another little ha-ha.....

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in
his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

 

[island_sands]

MILES!!

you better be carrying a very large stick my boy!!!! rofl

Amphibious - hehehehehehe.... have you ever read the book 101 uses of a dead cat?

 

[Amphibious]

Amphibious - hehehehehehe.... have you ever read the book 101 uses of a dead cat?

Yes, yes I have :duh

 

[crusty]

little Jonnies mum + dad couldnt have babies so the went to a Naturalpath who put 3 ball bearings up mum so the sperm would have something to grip to
9 months later little Johny and his two brothers were born
when they turned 13 the first brother went up to mum and said Mum i was having a wee and a ball bearing came out so mum told him what happened
the next day brother No 2 went up to mum and told her he was having a wee and a ball bearing came out
On the third day little johny came up and mum said I know you were having a wee and a ball bearing came out and Johny said
No mum i was having a wank ( spanking the monkey or whatever ) and shot the cat
Cats make great Cray bait and very warm hats to
Kill em all

Crusty

 

[bdurrett]

<...snip...>
Crusty

Oh oh ohhhh

rofl rofl rofl rofl

Now, get over here and clean the coffee out of my keyboard!

rofl rofl rofl

Geez Sands, look what you started!

 

[Pablo]

Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato . Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

 

[island_sands]

rofl rofl

good one Pab!

 

[Alison]

rofl rofl rofl

 

[JMD]

Another Moral Story:

My son, 7 years old, is homeschooled and last month one of the assignments was to write a story with a moral. This is what he came up with.

There was once a tomatoe who lived on a farm. But he was very afraid because the chickens liked to eat tomatoes. So he uprooted himself and rolled down a hill into the forest. One day a man came walking in the forest, picked him and ate him.

The moral: no matter what you do you end up dead

from the mouths of babes

 

[island_sands]

Another Moral Story:

My son, 7 years old, is homeschooled and last month one of the assignments was to write a story with a moral. This is what he came up with.

There was once a tomatoe who lived on a farm. But he was very afraid because the chickens liked to eat tomatoes. So he uprooted himself and rolled down a hill into the forest. One day a man came walking in the forest, picked him and ate him.

The moral: no matter what you do you end up dead

from the mouths of babes

lol! any relation to the famous Roald Dahl writer?

 

[Poida]

JMD I think your Son has just written one of the worlds greatest quotations.

 

[bdurrett]

JMD I think your Son has just written one of the worlds greatest quotations.

Yep, I agree! That is even better than "Death and Taxes..."

 

[Freediver81]

Little Johnny was in his seat on an airplane when a fellow passenger took the seat next to him.

The stranger said "Hi....as long as we are going to be travelling companions for the next three hours lets talk ..... I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. They all eat the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t?"

All the jokes were great!

rofl rofl rofl rofl

 

[Freediver81]

Well, Speaking of little Johnny heres another one of his jokes!

one day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was."Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

the following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.

little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing.but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. his other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick- a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. it just jumped out of his pants and stodd there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away. when sis saw it, she got really scared- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that. she said it was the biggest one she had ever seen; i should tell her about the ones by the lake. anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. all fo the sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel. the eel put on a heck of a fight. sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! i knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! he started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. after a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. i knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"

little jonny's mom fainted

 

[bdurrett]

Re: Old Little Johnny Joke

OK, have to make my contribution.....

===================================================

One day, Little Johnny and his Dad went shopping. While they were out, they stopped at the neighborhood drug store to pick up a couple of things

While they were walking through the aisles, they passed the place where condoms were sold. Little Johnny looked up at his dad and asked what they were. Dad decided that it was tikme for "the talk" so he explained the mechanics of it all and why some people would use a condom.

Little Johnny looks up at a box and pulls it off the rack and says, "Well, it says that there are 2 in this box. Who would buy 2 of them?" Dad sighed and, realizing that Little Johnny was still at the age where girls had cooties and were meant to be teased, said "Well Johnny, those are for the boys that are in High School. They buy one for Friday night and one for Saturday." Johnny looked at his dad, nodded, and put the box back.

Then he pulled a box with 3 in it off the rack. "And these? Who buys these?" he asks. Dad says, "Oh! Those are for the college men. One for Friday, one for Saturday, AND one for Sunday." Johnny looks at his dad, nods and puts the box back.

Finally, he pulls a large box of the rack, looks VERY impressed and says, "Gee Dad, this one has TWELVE it is! Who buys these?!?!" Dad looks a little sad and says.... "Well, Johnny, those are for the married men." Johnny says "But Dad, there are only 7 days in a week and you HAVE to go to work and stuff, right?"

"Oh No, Johnny," says his dad, "you misunderstand a bit. The big box is for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for...."

rofl rofl rofl