Another from the "Detective Frank Deepend" series. Sometimes my "captions" turn into stories" 
“BIG FOOT” TURNS INTO “BIG TOUNGE”
By Sea Penn, for The Vancouver Underwater Chronicle
Detective Frank Deepend busts the Big Foot myth while on vacation in British Columbia.
Detective Frank Deepend, head of the Coastal Department of the San Francisco Police Department, made some unusual discoveries while on vacation in B.C. last week.
“I was hiking up near Telegraph Cove when I came across some freedivers just about ready to get into the water. The strange thing was that one of them started to put his fins on at least 300 yards before reaching the shore. Seeing as they were good quality expensive fins, his buddies had a hard time convincing him that they’d be ruined unless he took them off. He reluctantly did so, but inexplicably started to lick the rails every few minutes.“
“I immediately realized what was going on. Certain ruthless fin producers add a vanilla smell to foot pockets in order to make their product more attractive, - just as the supermarkets use freshly baked bread aromas in the baked good sections to boost sales. What the public doesn’t know but the manufacturers do, is that when combined with rubber, the vanilla turns into a subtle addictive drug which has a side effect of increasing breath holds for at least 30 – 40 seconds. Naturally this makes users of these particular fins swear by the product and they become lifelong customers.”
“Normally just smelling them is enough to get the effect, but some people’s nervous systems are so sensitive that it’s not enough and they go into withdrawal symptoms if they don’t experience greater doses of the drug. It really isn’t a fin fetish, the poor victims are helpless. And of course, the fact that they end up winning competitions or spear more fish than anybody else just makes it worse.”
“Even though further from the nose, the effect is stronger when worn on the feet. It has something to do with osmosis and nerves from the brain that end in the feet. That is why you may sometimes find freedivers wearing these fins in the strangest of places. We had a big problem in San Francisco last summer. So many car accidents, you can imagine why!”
“Being an enthusiast of local lore, I remembered the Big Foot myths and wondered if there was a connection. Checking photographs in the local library I found the shape of the “footprint” to be strikingly similar to the fins produced in those years. When I blew up the images and superimposed an image of the fin on top, there was a perfect match. I’m sorry to say, but the Big Foot myth is only the result of unscrupulous fin manufacturers. The image of the big furry animal is obviously someone in a camo wetsuit,” said the detective.
When this reporter asked the opinion of the experts in the Canadian Association for the Pursuit of Historical Myths, they almost threw me out and one barked: “We are going to change our name to ‘The Canadian Association for the Pursuit of Hysterical Mirth!’ " “This is the end of our association,” said Professor Book Dust, “We are never going to live this down.” “Why didn’t Frank Deepend visit the Vatican? I’m sure he could have found something there! It’s a sad day when one of our most cherished myths sinks to the abyss of forgetfulness. Soon no one will remember.”
Epilogue
Far away in a lonely cabin deep in the Canadian forest, one large furry humanoid turns to another and says “Lucky that we saved Colin from that bear when his gun jammed. He did us a good turn by pretending to be addicted to those fins. Maybe they’ll leave us in peace now. It’s so easy to fool humans!
“BIG FOOT” TURNS INTO “BIG TOUNGE”
By Sea Penn, for The Vancouver Underwater Chronicle
Detective Frank Deepend busts the Big Foot myth while on vacation in British Columbia.
Detective Frank Deepend, head of the Coastal Department of the San Francisco Police Department, made some unusual discoveries while on vacation in B.C. last week.
“I was hiking up near Telegraph Cove when I came across some freedivers just about ready to get into the water. The strange thing was that one of them started to put his fins on at least 300 yards before reaching the shore. Seeing as they were good quality expensive fins, his buddies had a hard time convincing him that they’d be ruined unless he took them off. He reluctantly did so, but inexplicably started to lick the rails every few minutes.“
“I immediately realized what was going on. Certain ruthless fin producers add a vanilla smell to foot pockets in order to make their product more attractive, - just as the supermarkets use freshly baked bread aromas in the baked good sections to boost sales. What the public doesn’t know but the manufacturers do, is that when combined with rubber, the vanilla turns into a subtle addictive drug which has a side effect of increasing breath holds for at least 30 – 40 seconds. Naturally this makes users of these particular fins swear by the product and they become lifelong customers.”
“Normally just smelling them is enough to get the effect, but some people’s nervous systems are so sensitive that it’s not enough and they go into withdrawal symptoms if they don’t experience greater doses of the drug. It really isn’t a fin fetish, the poor victims are helpless. And of course, the fact that they end up winning competitions or spear more fish than anybody else just makes it worse.”
“Even though further from the nose, the effect is stronger when worn on the feet. It has something to do with osmosis and nerves from the brain that end in the feet. That is why you may sometimes find freedivers wearing these fins in the strangest of places. We had a big problem in San Francisco last summer. So many car accidents, you can imagine why!”
“Being an enthusiast of local lore, I remembered the Big Foot myths and wondered if there was a connection. Checking photographs in the local library I found the shape of the “footprint” to be strikingly similar to the fins produced in those years. When I blew up the images and superimposed an image of the fin on top, there was a perfect match. I’m sorry to say, but the Big Foot myth is only the result of unscrupulous fin manufacturers. The image of the big furry animal is obviously someone in a camo wetsuit,” said the detective.
When this reporter asked the opinion of the experts in the Canadian Association for the Pursuit of Historical Myths, they almost threw me out and one barked: “We are going to change our name to ‘The Canadian Association for the Pursuit of Hysterical Mirth!’ " “This is the end of our association,” said Professor Book Dust, “We are never going to live this down.” “Why didn’t Frank Deepend visit the Vatican? I’m sure he could have found something there! It’s a sad day when one of our most cherished myths sinks to the abyss of forgetfulness. Soon no one will remember.”
Epilogue
Far away in a lonely cabin deep in the Canadian forest, one large furry humanoid turns to another and says “Lucky that we saved Colin from that bear when his gun jammed. He did us a good turn by pretending to be addicted to those fins. Maybe they’ll leave us in peace now. It’s so easy to fool humans!
