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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
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It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
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Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Hiya
Yeah, sadly i trudge through my day by spending most of it on a website called Deeperblue.net, only excusing myself on the odd occation to go and shoot some feeeeshh!!
Oh what a dreary existance.................
:
Regards
miles
Hiya
Yeah, sadly i trudge through my day by spending most of it on a website called Deeperblue.net, only excusing myself on the odd occation to go and shoot some feeeeshh!!
Oh what a dreary existance.................
:Regards
miles
Last edited:
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Visual gags aside, here's a "real" joke...
An southern immigrant and a Texan redneck are applying for the same job. Sitting closely at a small desk in the manager's office, both of them quickly complete a form and small background questionnaire. The manager soon takes the forms and grades them in the breakroom. After about thirty minutes of awkward glances between the two applicants, the manager returns to the office. The Texan redneck confidently stood up to accept his new job.
"Have a seat, sir." the manager said, "I went over the background questionnaire you've both filled out, and it turns out you both had all of the background skills our company is looking for. Surprisingly, both of you missed the same question on the form. I've given the situation some thought and decided to hire Mr. Gonzales for the job."
"WHAT?" shouted the Texan redneck, throwing his trucker hat down on the manager's desk, "I can't believe you'd pick a dumb ol' foreigner over a true-blood Texan! You just said we missed the same question! How could his wrong answer be better than MY wrong answer?"
"Well." the manager calmly explained, "You see right here?" The manager held up Mr. Gonzales' neatly completed questionnaire next to the redneck's scribbly, eraser-scarred questionnaire. "Question number 32....Mr. Gonzales here replied with an 'I don't know'....and here on your form....you put 'Neither do I'."
Visual gags aside, here's a "real" joke...
An southern immigrant and a Texan redneck are applying for the same job. Sitting closely at a small desk in the manager's office, both of them quickly complete a form and small background questionnaire. The manager soon takes the forms and grades them in the breakroom. After about thirty minutes of awkward glances between the two applicants, the manager returns to the office. The Texan redneck confidently stood up to accept his new job.
"Have a seat, sir." the manager said, "I went over the background questionnaire you've both filled out, and it turns out you both had all of the background skills our company is looking for. Surprisingly, both of you missed the same question on the form. I've given the situation some thought and decided to hire Mr. Gonzales for the job."
"WHAT?" shouted the Texan redneck, throwing his trucker hat down on the manager's desk, "I can't believe you'd pick a dumb ol' foreigner over a true-blood Texan! You just said we missed the same question! How could his wrong answer be better than MY wrong answer?"
"Well." the manager calmly explained, "You see right here?" The manager held up Mr. Gonzales' neatly completed questionnaire next to the redneck's scribbly, eraser-scarred questionnaire. "Question number 32....Mr. Gonzales here replied with an 'I don't know'....and here on your form....you put 'Neither do I'."
Last edited:
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Tips on Love from Kids
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8)
Tips on Love from Kids
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8)
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Advice from Kids Part11
Kids. They're sticky. They're loud. And, yes, sometimes wildly entertaining.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Noronha, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, 7
The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, 10
Advice from Kids Part11
Kids. They're sticky. They're loud. And, yes, sometimes wildly entertaining.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Noronha, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, 7
The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, 10
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
The Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!
If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.
My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.
Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?
Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.
My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.
I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
Is the poop deck really what I think it is?
I have a great new motivation tecnique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.
If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.
Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
How is education going to make me smarter?
Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?
How many pounds are in a gallon?
They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
I wish God were alive to see this.
When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work.
I've got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.
Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why'd he make them so tasty?
Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
All these guys with six pack abs, and I'm the only one with a keg.
Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
Marge, it's uter-us not uter-you.
Marge your cooking only has two moves, Shake and Bake.
If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.
My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.
We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die!
Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.
Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.
A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one.
Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can't we all just get along?
I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.
A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.
I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?
Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?
I never apologize, I'm sorry but that's the way I am.
I'd love to go to church, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
But Dad, you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
He's trying to hypnotize me, and it's not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.
What's the point of having children if you can't buy their love?
It's like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.
It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
That horse had better win, or else we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come.
Internet. They have that on computers now?
It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.
Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more.
The Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!
If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.
My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.
Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?
Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.
My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.
I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
Is the poop deck really what I think it is?
I have a great new motivation tecnique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.
If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.
Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
How is education going to make me smarter?
Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?
How many pounds are in a gallon?
They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
I wish God were alive to see this.
When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work.
I've got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.
Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why'd he make them so tasty?
Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
All these guys with six pack abs, and I'm the only one with a keg.
Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
Marge, it's uter-us not uter-you.
Marge your cooking only has two moves, Shake and Bake.
If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.
My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.
We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die!
Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.
Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.
A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one.
Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can't we all just get along?
I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.
A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.
I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?
Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?
I never apologize, I'm sorry but that's the way I am.
I'd love to go to church, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
But Dad, you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
He's trying to hypnotize me, and it's not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.
What's the point of having children if you can't buy their love?
It's like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.
It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
That horse had better win, or else we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come.
Internet. They have that on computers now?
It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.
Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more.
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Ironic twist of fate.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and
asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Ironic twist of fate.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and
asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Phone call from the office
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
**Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? Is this 555-7039?????"
Phone call from the office
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
**Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? Is this 555-7039?????"
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
rofl rofl rofl
Great one Miles!! How are you? hows your marriage? Is is it recommended?
Said
miles said:
rofl rofl rofl
Great one Miles!! How are you? hows your marriage? Is is it recommended?
Said
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
International symbol of marriage is Approved
New York-AP- On 21 June 2005, After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:
Freediver81 said:
International symbol of marriage is Approved
New York-AP- On 21 June 2005, After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage: