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Jokes Thread!!!

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Sod dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting... And now Sean and his hengliding!"
 
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.


The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us!"
 
middle aged couple going to bed, husband already in bed, wify still standing naked in front of dressing mirror,complaining: I'm getting old, look! my hair is grey, wrinkles are all over my face, my breasts are falling down, more and more cellulite is showing up...........
then she turns around and seeking some comfort from hubby: what do you think?
He, hesitating, but finally: " your eyesight is still pretty good"
 
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers and pants around my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room.
 
OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD'IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You are not sure these are jokes?
 
Sex, sports, racial discrimination, type casting; you covered most of the forbidden stuff except religion. Kind of heavy on the old folks. For real divers though, old is when it takes all year to get a new PB.
 
Given there is no account for taste, skin thickness and sense of humour. at least I offend equally(save the pensioners)


That said...



How do blind paraglider pilots know when they are about to land???

When the blind dog lead goes slack!


:pigeon:
 
Given there is no account for taste, skin thickness and sense of humour. at least I offend equally(save the pensioners)


That said...



How do blind paraglider pilots know when they are about to land???

When their blind dog lead goes slack!


:pigeon:
 
Fuck. Locked myself out of my car this morning. Incredibly though, this bloke saunters along - decked out in beige-like chinos - and starts rubbing his arse against the door. Magically, the car door opens!
'How the hell did you do that?', I asked. 'Khaki trousers, mate' he replied. And went off on his way...
 
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