To whom it may concern:
I own three separate companies that manufacture clubs, two of them which yield high output of clubs specifically created to club baby seals. I am concerned when I read such empathic denunciations. This talk of "humane ways", and "controlled manners" is the same rhetoric that has slowly tarnished the proud tradition of bashing pinniped. I would not be the wealthy owner of three, pelt-upholstered SUV's without the steady income that derives from this time-honored undertaking. Perhaps there's not enough information about seal/baby seal-clubbing that reaches inordinately horrified onlookers and opponents of a relatively innocent function.
Take for instance:
1. Seals are inherently evil, and wish nothing more than to deplete the oceans of delicious fish and defensless penguins.
2. Baby seals do not possess a death-bite like most wild predatory creatures do. They eat their prey alive, indifferent to the plaintive cries of their victims (which include kittens, hamsters, baby ducks, and teacup chihuahuas).
3. Seals spend a trivial existence bathing in the sun, not to mention fornicating on public beaches. Only .05% of all seals are actually employed (all of those working in showbusiness of some fashion). Seals are non-productive and have nothing to contribute to society, besides their sensuous pelts.
4. According to the latest studies, obesity has become a burden on our healthcare systems, what with rising costs of fighting avoidable heart diseases. Humans, whose fat content reaches and/or exceeds 25% are considered obese. In this thought, exterminating gluttonous, distended seals (whose fat content typically exceeds these alarming amounts) there is no chance that they will bog down our already expensive healthcare.
5. The Caribbean monk seal is now extinct, thanks to the help of the Canadian embassy in the Antilles. Now, with the threat of a massive, short range seal attack from the southeast dissipated, Americans can now refocus on the impending dangers of communist Cuba.
6. Liberal television programs, that are relentlessly overplayed on such left wing media platforms as Public Broadcasting Services (PBS), Discovery Channel, National Geographic Channel, Animal Planet and the like, never show the unasthetic side of the lives of seals. Seals defecate and urinate in our oceans everyday. They also deface our beaches with a number of various excretions. They are easily considered a main source of water polution and a threat to delicate coastal ecology.
I advise you, and other terribly misguided people, to learn more about the history, heritage and responsbility of seal/baby seal clubbing before demurring the good inentions of second, sometimes third-generation clubbers.
Respectfully,
Billy Cudgel
TruncheonCo.
Prudhoe Bay, Alaska
