When I was a kid I got shot in the ass with salt shot by a security guard at the huge Long Island Gold Coast estate owned by the estate of the deceased King Zog of Albania. Much like the Albanians, I didn't quite understand the concept of private property at the time, and the Muttontown area of Long Island where I grew up was mostly woods and meadows, so I felt free to range far and wide, as I pleased. Well, turns out the Zog estate was patrolled by enthusiastic guards in Jeeps, and while trying to flee one I took some salt in the butt just as I was getting clear of the open country and into thick woods where the Jeep couldn't go. Gentleman, it stung. Yes, it stung. It created an explanatory problem, too, as I was only 12 or so and now had a pair of trousers with a shredded backside to account for.