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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
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It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
The disabled man
My favourite! :crutch
A Man really needs to pee and goes into the toilets of the local pub. When he walks in he sees another man with no arms standing there. The disabled man asks him if he could unzip his shorts as it is a bit hard for him. The man realizing the situation and feeling sorry for him agrees. He casually unzips the limbless mans pants only to be confronted by really odd looking genetals. His penis is a weird greenish colour and covered in suspicious lumps. After the man has relieved himself and is about to leave the disabled man asks if he could tuck it in and zip him back up. The man once again agrees and then tactfully asks what is wrong with it. The disabled man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says “I Don’t Know That’s Why I Don’t Touch It”!!
rofl
Catchya, Lachlan
My favourite! :crutch
A Man really needs to pee and goes into the toilets of the local pub. When he walks in he sees another man with no arms standing there. The disabled man asks him if he could unzip his shorts as it is a bit hard for him. The man realizing the situation and feeling sorry for him agrees. He casually unzips the limbless mans pants only to be confronted by really odd looking genetals. His penis is a weird greenish colour and covered in suspicious lumps. After the man has relieved himself and is about to leave the disabled man asks if he could tuck it in and zip him back up. The man once again agrees and then tactfully asks what is wrong with it. The disabled man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says “I Don’t Know That’s Why I Don’t Touch It”!!
rofl
Catchya, Lachlan
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Hope this one is not too rude.
At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.
The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.
The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is 'Timbuktu'" The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,
"Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top that.
The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, "Timbuktu."
The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,
"Tim 'en me, a-huntin went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!"
Hope this one is not too rude.
At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.
The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.
The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is 'Timbuktu'" The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,
"Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top that.
The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, "Timbuktu."
The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,
"Tim 'en me, a-huntin went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!"
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
A conservative couple were in a art gallery looking at a 2x2 meter photo of 3 naked black men sat on a park bench and the man on the right had a pink Penis, because they looked very confused the curator of the gallery went to the couple and started to explain what the interpretation of the photo meant, "it is depicting either the oppresion of the black man in modern day society. etc etc etc" and after about 1/2 an hour the curator left them to their thoughts, a scotsman walking past saw the confusion and asked if he could help, "what can you tell us that the curator of the gallery couldnt"said the woman "what do you know", "well i took the picture" said the scotsman, it has nothing to do with oppression of black men or politics it is simply a picture of 3 naked coalminers and the one on the right went home for lunch. :hmm :hmm :hmm ???
A conservative couple were in a art gallery looking at a 2x2 meter photo of 3 naked black men sat on a park bench and the man on the right had a pink Penis, because they looked very confused the curator of the gallery went to the couple and started to explain what the interpretation of the photo meant, "it is depicting either the oppresion of the black man in modern day society. etc etc etc" and after about 1/2 an hour the curator left them to their thoughts, a scotsman walking past saw the confusion and asked if he could help, "what can you tell us that the curator of the gallery couldnt"said the woman "what do you know", "well i took the picture" said the scotsman, it has nothing to do with oppression of black men or politics it is simply a picture of 3 naked coalminers and the one on the right went home for lunch. :hmm :hmm :hmm ???
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
At a park, there were two benches that faced eachother near the fountain. Sitting on one of the benches was an elderly man, jaw open in disbelief as he watched a little boy, sitting on the opposite bench, stuffing his face with candy, confections, and cola.
Not seeing his parents anywhere around, the old man though that he might set the little boy straight. He leaned forward and pointed to the empty wrappers at the boy's feet with his cane and said, "You know, you're going to have horrible health problems if you keep on eating like that."
The little boy pulled a Snickers bar away from his face, and with a mouthful of chocolate, he replied, "My grandfather is older than you, and he's alright."
The old man's brow wrinkled with puzzlement. "Does he eat as much junk-food as you?"
"No." The kid said, glaring, "My grandfather knows when to shut the #*&% UP!"
At a park, there were two benches that faced eachother near the fountain. Sitting on one of the benches was an elderly man, jaw open in disbelief as he watched a little boy, sitting on the opposite bench, stuffing his face with candy, confections, and cola.
Not seeing his parents anywhere around, the old man though that he might set the little boy straight. He leaned forward and pointed to the empty wrappers at the boy's feet with his cane and said, "You know, you're going to have horrible health problems if you keep on eating like that."
The little boy pulled a Snickers bar away from his face, and with a mouthful of chocolate, he replied, "My grandfather is older than you, and he's alright."
The old man's brow wrinkled with puzzlement. "Does he eat as much junk-food as you?"
"No." The kid said, glaring, "My grandfather knows when to shut the #*&% UP!"
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
And then a pod of ninjas jumped of the trees and shurikenned the old fart!
Well, the message was to short to be posted without this addition...
Fixed.Sinky Winky: said:
And then a pod of ninjas jumped of the trees and shurikenned the old fart!
Well, the message was to short to be posted without this addition...
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Crusty
A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Crusty
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
On the wall of one of the pools where I train:
'Please alert the lifeguard if you notice a release of bodily fluids in the pool'
Seriously!
On the wall of one of the pools where I train:
'Please alert the lifeguard if you notice a release of bodily fluids in the pool'
Seriously!
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
A sign at a golf club(for real)
ANY PERSONS (EXCEPT PLAYERS)
CAUGHT COLLECTING GOLF BALLS
ON THIS COURSE WILL BE
PROSECUTED AND HAVE THEIR
BALLS REMOVED
A sign at a golf club(for real)
ANY PERSONS (EXCEPT PLAYERS)
CAUGHT COLLECTING GOLF BALLS
ON THIS COURSE WILL BE
PROSECUTED AND HAVE THEIR
BALLS REMOVED
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
I don't usually tell blonde jokes, but here goes...
A good-lookin' blonde lady is interviewing for a desk job at a police station. Enamored with the prospect of an attractive coworker, the cheif condescendingly asked her several questions to make the frivalous interview seem legitimate.
"What's two plus two?"
"Four," said the blonde.
"Uh-huh. Then, what's one hundred divided by 10?" The cheif asked smilingly.
"Ten?" she replied nervously.
"Good. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the chief questioned.
"Um....Ummmm.....I don't know." the blonde said worriedly.
"That's alright," the chief reassured, "Why don't you try and find out, and come back to start work tomorrow."
Excited with her successful interview, she drove home with the parking brake on (nothing to do with joke, just like adding that). She called her friend to tell her the good news.
"Yeah," she squealed over the phone, "He hired me after the I.Q. test, and now I'm already hard at work investigating a murder case!"
I don't usually tell blonde jokes, but here goes...
A good-lookin' blonde lady is interviewing for a desk job at a police station. Enamored with the prospect of an attractive coworker, the cheif condescendingly asked her several questions to make the frivalous interview seem legitimate.
"What's two plus two?"
"Four," said the blonde.
"Uh-huh. Then, what's one hundred divided by 10?" The cheif asked smilingly.
"Ten?" she replied nervously.
"Good. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the chief questioned.
"Um....Ummmm.....I don't know." the blonde said worriedly.
"That's alright," the chief reassured, "Why don't you try and find out, and come back to start work tomorrow."
Excited with her successful interview, she drove home with the parking brake on (nothing to do with joke, just like adding that). She called her friend to tell her the good news.
"Yeah," she squealed over the phone, "He hired me after the I.Q. test, and now I'm already hard at work investigating a murder case!"
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
More Blond Stuff
SHE WAS SOOOO = BLOND..............
* She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She tripped over the cordless phone.
* She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her = mind.
* She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
* She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius
* If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
* Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months
to figure out she could use it at night.
* What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
* Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
* Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
* What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
* Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
* What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
* What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
* What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
* Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"
Crusty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More Blond Stuff
SHE WAS SOOOO = BLOND..............
* She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She tripped over the cordless phone.
* She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her = mind.
* She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
* She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius
* If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
* Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months
to figure out she could use it at night.
* What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
* Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
* Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
* What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
* Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
* What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
* What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
* What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
* Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"
Crusty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Crusty
Ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Crusty
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
What is ET short for?
Because he only has little legs!
What is ET short for?
Because he only has little legs!
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Madonna's Jigsaw Puzzle
The Blond of all Blondes.Madonna.
One day, Madonna phoned her best friend and said with an upset voice, "I've been trying to get this jigsaw puzzle together, but I just don't know where to start! "
"What kind of puzzle is it?", asked her friend. "Oh, I don't know!", Madonna said, "It has a rooster on the box and there are so many pieces. Can't you come over and help me to get started, please?"
Madonna being Madonna, the friend hurries over. "Where is this puzzle", she asks.
"On the table", Madonna replies.
With a surprised look on her face, the friend turns around and says, "Funny, just put the corn flakes back in the box"
Madonna's Jigsaw Puzzle
The Blond of all Blondes.Madonna.
One day, Madonna phoned her best friend and said with an upset voice, "I've been trying to get this jigsaw puzzle together, but I just don't know where to start! "
"What kind of puzzle is it?", asked her friend. "Oh, I don't know!", Madonna said, "It has a rooster on the box and there are so many pieces. Can't you come over and help me to get started, please?"
Madonna being Madonna, the friend hurries over. "Where is this puzzle", she asks.
"On the table", Madonna replies.
With a surprised look on her face, the friend turns around and says, "Funny, just put the corn flakes back in the box"
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
One of those good nights out
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside, takes a deep
breath of fresh air,
feels much better, and takes a step out onto the pavement.
He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm ' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, crawls to the door and
collapses inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way". But with gritted
teeth he hauls himself up and stands at his bedroom door.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again.
He says "That's it, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"
One of those good nights out
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside, takes a deep
breath of fresh air,
feels much better, and takes a step out onto the pavement.
He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm ' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, crawls to the door and
collapses inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way". But with gritted
teeth he hauls himself up and stands at his bedroom door.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again.
He says "That's it, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"
Re: Jokes Thread!!!!
Well apart from the wheelchair, I'd say that's about a 5/7ths a week's routine for me.
Well apart from the wheelchair, I'd say that's about a 5/7ths a week's routine for me.