What do you call a bee that makes milk instead of honey?
A BOO-BEE!
rofl
A BOO-BEE!
rofl
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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
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BLONDE JOKE OF THE CENTURY!!!!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color
of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your
knee."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color
of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your
knee."
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
LMAO! Be careful or they'll be calling you apneaeunuch!!!!:blackeye
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You guys are in soooo much trouble :vangry
just wait til i get my whips out later, ask Spaniard and Podge, they hurt!!
just wait til i get my whips out later, ask Spaniard and Podge, they hurt!!
I'll redress the balance
There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes.
The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those."
With that he grabbed one and jumped out.
The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute."
And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes.
The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those."
With that he grabbed one and jumped out.
The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute."
And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
Top 10 reasons computers must be male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Wich president would that be
Would make much more sense if you trade the smart man by the president
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'You guys are in soooo much trouble
just wait til i get my whips out later, ask Spaniard and Podge, they hurt!!'
Oh!! Oh!! Me too. Where does the line form? Are you going to wear your black boots?
just wait til i get my whips out later, ask Spaniard and Podge, they hurt!!'
Oh!! Oh!! Me too. Where does the line form? Are you going to wear your black boots?
how ironic .george michael caught in a toilet (again) in posession of crack
we knew he was an addict but not to that one
we knew he was an addict but not to that one
Not really a joke, but pretty damn funny nonetheless:
When I was flight attending, about 8 years ago, I was trying to get a plane full of passengers ready for departure. There was this one elderly man, sitting in his seat...large carry-on bag on his lap. I grabbed the bag from him and began shoving it into an overhead compartment.
He says, "Miss...that's my bichon frise."
Let me take this moment to say that at that time, I was not very cosmopolitan. I was just a southern girl, and my reply to him (thinking he was referring to the brand name of his baggage) was "Sir, I do not care if it is Pierre Cardin. It has to be stowed."
At that moment, I hear a whimper come from the bag I am trying desperately to fit in the overhead compartment. I realized a "bichon frise" was not a brand name...it was a dog!
I embarassingly handed the bag back to the gentleman, and rest assured...he got free scotch for the entire flight!
When I was flight attending, about 8 years ago, I was trying to get a plane full of passengers ready for departure. There was this one elderly man, sitting in his seat...large carry-on bag on his lap. I grabbed the bag from him and began shoving it into an overhead compartment.
He says, "Miss...that's my bichon frise."
Let me take this moment to say that at that time, I was not very cosmopolitan. I was just a southern girl, and my reply to him (thinking he was referring to the brand name of his baggage) was "Sir, I do not care if it is Pierre Cardin. It has to be stowed."
At that moment, I hear a whimper come from the bag I am trying desperately to fit in the overhead compartment. I realized a "bichon frise" was not a brand name...it was a dog!
I embarassingly handed the bag back to the gentleman, and rest assured...he got free scotch for the entire flight!
I've lived with at least one woman for 67 years and I think that this is good advice.
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.
So...
If you give her crap,
you will receive more s**t than any one human being can possibly handle.
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.
So...
If you give her crap,
you will receive more s**t than any one human being can possibly handle.