Jokes Thread!!!

[apneaboy]

Heres one for you Jay

A scouser rings his local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. After spending most of his dole money on a £2.73 new white shell suit and £1.32 on white stilettos for her last outfit he only has £1 left so he can only afford three words in the paper.

He phones the paper and says write 'Margaret is dead'

The guy at the paper felt sorry for him so he says he can have three more words with no extra charge.

The scouser said can you write 'Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale'

roflroflrofl

 

[jay cluskey]

apparently clumsy people are more likely to become obese

because they keep on walking into things .........

like........mcdonalds

 

[agbiv]

Oh Jay! Open mouth insert food!

 

[apneaboy]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment , it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny. rofl

 

[jay cluskey]

ive been dating a girl with a wooden leg until recently

i broke it off

 

[jay cluskey]

paddy and mick were in prison , the had devised a great method of comunicating with each other, they invented a code were they would bang on the hot water pipes with a spoon. the system worked perfectly for a time but it sadly broke down when they were transfered to seperate cellsroflroflrofl

 

[agbiv]

Oh Jesus & begorragh!

 

[Bill]

dateline Dec '08

The Presidential election was too close to call.*Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate who caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner, and after much negotiation and discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Barak Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama again came in with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night, after John Mc. returns with 50 fish, Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me: How is John Mc. cheating?'

'Harry, you're not going to believe this,' Obama replied, 'but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

 

[drunkinbda]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

[drunkinbda]

the whole page goes together.. awesome

http://www.mbacasestudysolutions.com/Blog/Funny_Management_Quick_Lessons.html

 

[jay cluskey]

just quit my job at the local helium factory

i refuse to be spoken to in that tone

 

[jay cluskey]

a lorry carrying copies of , rogets thesaurus, shed its load across the carridge way of the m62 today


onlookers were said to be stunned,bewildered,dumbfounded,astonished,shocked,flabbergasted,startled,speechless and amazed rofl

 

[jay cluskey]

how do you turn a fox into an elephant

marry it

 

[apneaboy]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

 

[apneaboy]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty quid,' she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its
Only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of Minutes
When all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer.
'''Ello, 'ello, whot's going on here then, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
''Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light on her face

 

[agbiv]

Oh man, that was really deep! :blackeye

 

[jay cluskey]

i have a dream. a dream ,that one day ,chickens will cross the road without having their motives questioned..

 

[jay cluskey]

wife.. "how come when i try clothes on in one shop im a size 10 and if i try clothes on in another shop down the road im a size 12?"

husband.... " is there a mc donalds on the way to the next shop fatty "

 

[wdaf]

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat.
Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

Scott Adams, Dogbert; Dilbert cartoons

 

[jay cluskey]

husband says to blonde wife, look a dead bird .!!
blonde wife looks up in the sky and says ,, where???..