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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread starter miles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
And That’s How the Fight started!
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife walked into the room & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife walked into the room & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
A white U.S. Government Official asked the Indian Chief "Two Eagles",
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done. Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied,"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day
hunting and fishing - All night making love.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done. Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied,"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day
hunting and fishing - All night making love.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Jay - that is good on sooo many levels!
But wasn't it the English that colonised the 'New World' and Australia, New Zealand, South Africa etc. etc. ?
But wasn't it the English that colonised the 'New World' and Australia, New Zealand, South Africa etc. etc. ?
yes my friend you would not be living were you are had the english not colonised the new world you would be slightly more well built and heavily tattooed had they not
1st woman: Hi! My name is Julie.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
I was driving down a country road when my car broke down. I looked under the bonnet, but can’t see what’s wrong. At that moment, a voice calls out, and I notice a bloke sitting on the top of a high wall.
‘‘I know what’s wrong with your car, mate’’ he shouts down, ‘‘by the sound your engine was making before it stopped, I’d say the fuel to air ratio is incorrect.’’
He then gave me detailed, step by step instructions on how to fix it. After following his instructions, I try the engine and it runs perfectly.
‘bloody hell mate, thanks,’’ I said to him, ‘‘here, buy yourself a drink,’’ and go to hand him a £10.
‘‘I can’t,’’ he said, ‘‘I live in the mental home on the other side of this wall, they locked me in here although there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.’’
‘‘I can bloody see that!’’ I said, "that’s ridiculous, when I get to the town I’ll alert the authorities and tell them what happened and that you’ve been put in here by mistake.’’
‘‘Thanks very much, mate. If you can do that for me it’ll be very much appreciated,” he said.
So, I get in the car, drive a couple of yards down the road, when all of a sudden a brick smashes through my back window. I scream to a halt and leap out of the car to see what’s happened.
The bloke on the wall waved at me, put his thumb up and shouted, ‘‘You won’t forget to tell them will you, mate?’’
‘‘I know what’s wrong with your car, mate’’ he shouts down, ‘‘by the sound your engine was making before it stopped, I’d say the fuel to air ratio is incorrect.’’
He then gave me detailed, step by step instructions on how to fix it. After following his instructions, I try the engine and it runs perfectly.
‘bloody hell mate, thanks,’’ I said to him, ‘‘here, buy yourself a drink,’’ and go to hand him a £10.
‘‘I can’t,’’ he said, ‘‘I live in the mental home on the other side of this wall, they locked me in here although there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.’’
‘‘I can bloody see that!’’ I said, "that’s ridiculous, when I get to the town I’ll alert the authorities and tell them what happened and that you’ve been put in here by mistake.’’
‘‘Thanks very much, mate. If you can do that for me it’ll be very much appreciated,” he said.
So, I get in the car, drive a couple of yards down the road, when all of a sudden a brick smashes through my back window. I scream to a halt and leap out of the car to see what’s happened.
The bloke on the wall waved at me, put his thumb up and shouted, ‘‘You won’t forget to tell them will you, mate?’’
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get ill, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get ill, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parkbench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here.'
The old man said, 'Okay', and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, Sir.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here.'
The old man said, 'Okay', and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, Sir.'
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
The 11th Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "PLease be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be possible if you have been married 10 times?"
"Well", she replied."Husband #1 was a sales representative, he just kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"#2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was suppose to function,but he said he would look into and get back with me."
"#3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just could not get the system up."
"#4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he hadthe order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"#5 was an engineer, he understood the basic principles but he wanted three years to research,implement, and design a new state of the art method."
"#6 was from Administration, he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"#7 Was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"#8 was a Psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it."
"#9 was a Gynecologist, all he was look at it."
"#10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was..... God I miss him."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful." said the husband."But why?"
To which she replied. "You're with the government.This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "PLease be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be possible if you have been married 10 times?"
"Well", she replied."Husband #1 was a sales representative, he just kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"#2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was suppose to function,but he said he would look into and get back with me."
"#3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just could not get the system up."
"#4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he hadthe order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"#5 was an engineer, he understood the basic principles but he wanted three years to research,implement, and design a new state of the art method."
"#6 was from Administration, he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"#7 Was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"#8 was a Psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it."
"#9 was a Gynecologist, all he was look at it."
"#10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was..... God I miss him."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful." said the husband."But why?"
To which she replied. "You're with the government.This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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A woman married for 20 years decided to spice up her sex life. Out of ideas, she has a visit to an erotic clothing store and buys a pair of crotchless panties. She puts them on and hides in the bedroom until her husband comes home. As he walks in the bedroom door, she seductively walks out from behind the closet door, and asks her husband,"Do you want some of this?". "Hell no!" her husband exclaimed, "Look what it did to your panties!"
Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.
A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."
Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.
A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."
Make a Woman Happy
How to
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
As well as
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and alcohol
How to
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
As well as
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and alcohol