Jokes Thread!!!

[jay cluskey]

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."

 

[Trelawney]

I adopted a cat the other day from Chernobyl.

When I collected him, the RSPCA lady told me there certain things I should know about cats with radiation poisoning.

Most importantly, they have 18 half-lives.

 

[jay cluskey]

A bloke working on the buses taking fares pushes one of his passengers off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to the electric chair.

As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.

They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the governor finds he has no choice but to release him.

The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.

At the prison he, again, asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly recieves and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and bugger me there he sits, right as rain.

As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he, yet again, allows another passenger to fall to their death (under a train at that, it was quite nasty really!) The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and off he goes to the chair.

As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) Eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he's right as rain.

The executioner, who is really pissed off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it (as he suspects) the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I'm just a bad conductor!"

 

[jay cluskey]

Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring joke over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot .

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

 

[agbiv]

Unfortunately for the government the afore ascribed warnings are now only able to fit and are placed on a gallon can of beer. That is the smallest size now permitted by law.

 

[jay cluskey]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are on the run during the WWII, with the nazis hot on their trail. They run down an alley and realise they're stuck in a dead end. However, on the floor, amongst the rubbish are some potato sacks.

"Quick!" says the Englishman. "Hide in the sacks."

The three men cover themselves just in time when a nazi officer comes striding down the alley, looking for them.

"Vot iz zis?" he asked, upon spying the bags. He kicks the first bag with the Englishman in it.

"Miaow!!" says the Englishman, in his best imitation of a cat.

"Ah, zis' is nothing" says the nazi officer to his colleague. "Just a sack full of ze kitties."

He kicks the second bag with the Scotman in it.

"Woof!" says the Scotsman, in his best imitation of a dog.

"Ah, zis is nothing too. Just a sack full of ze puppies."

He kicks the third bag, with the Irishman in it.

The Irishman responds with, "Potatoes, Potatoes!"

 

[Trelawney]

Q. What do you call Bob the Builder during a recession?





A. Bob

 

[jay cluskey]

I was in the Natural History Museum in London looking at the dinosaur bones.

I asked the Curator how old the bones were.

He replied: 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'

'bloody hell !' I said. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'

The Curator said 'Well, they were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.'

 

[jay cluskey]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during making love and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were making love. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man make love with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a bloody' towel!

 

[jay cluskey]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

 

[Bill]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. They took out $95.00 in taxes.

 

[devondave]

Just seen that Harry Potter film , it's a bit unrealistic if you ask me , I mean come on ,a ginger kid with TWO friends ?

 

[jay cluskey]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out of the window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

 

[jay cluskey]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "about two hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About three hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "about an hour and half."
The guy leaves again.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "your house!"

 

[shoutatthesky]

PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, object to milk and honey as the production of these items is exploitation of cows and bees!

Now THAT is a joke.rofl

 

[jay cluskey]

Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra. I guess old Hobbits die hard.

 

[jay cluskey]

My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.

 

[jay cluskey]

some good us laws

Alabama:
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Alaska:
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Arizona:
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

Arkansas:
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

California:
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Colorado:
One may not mutilate a rock in a state park.
It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

Conneticut:
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

Delaware:
Alcohol may not be served in nightclubs if dancing is occurring on the premises at the same time.

Florida:
It is illegal to sell your children.
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Georgia:
All sex toys are banned.

Idaho:
You may not fish on a camel’s back.

Illinois:
The English language is not to be spoken.

Kentucky:
One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.

Massachusettes:
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

Nevada:
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

New York:
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Texas:
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

 

[devondave]

A florist goes to the hairdressers and has a cut , " how much " she asked .
" Oh this week haircuts are free , it's a community thing . "
Very pleased the florist leaves .
The next day the hairdresser finds a thank you note and a bunch of flowers on the doorstep .

A policeman has a haircut , " No charge this week , I'm doing community work ." says the hairdresser .
Next day he finds a note and some chocolate by the door .

A book-seller has her hair cut and again is told there's no charge .
Again a nice thank you note is left , along with a generous book-token .

A member of parliament goes in and has his hair done , " How much ."
"Free all this week , I'm doing a community project ." Says the hairdresser.
The next day when the hairdresser arrives at work there are thirty seven members of parliament waiting for haircuts !

 

[jay cluskey]

An Englishman and a Scotsman are on a flight to Australia.

The Scottish man believes all Englishmen are stupid so he thought of an idea to try and fool the Englishman man into giving him his money, to pass the time.

'Fancy a game of Quiz to pass the time' he asks

The Englishman declines and grumpily says he would prefer to sleep but after some persuasion he agrees to the game.

'OK' the Scotsman says, 'The rules are, I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you give me a fiver. Then you ask me a question and if i can't answer il give you £500.

Naturally the Englishman agrees to these terms.

The Scotsman looks around for inspiration before asking 'How far is it from the Earth to the Sun?'

After some consideration the Englishman accepts he does not know and hands the Scotsman a fiver before attempting to go back to sleep.

The Scotsman isn't happy and rouses the Englishman:

'Ok, now you have to ask me a question'

The Englishman thinks before asking 'What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down with 4?' before going back to sleep

The Scotsman is baffled, he looks it up on the internet and calls his friends for help, before waking the Englishman and sourly admitting he does not know and hands the Englishman £500 as agreed.

The Englishman takes it before going back to sleep.

The Scotsman, very frustrated now says: 'Well?! What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?'

' oh For gods sake' the Englishman says before handing the Scotsman a fiver.