Jokes Thread!!!

[jay cluskey]

A woman goes to church with her husband every week, but she is always humiliated by her husband falling asleep. So after one service she approached the vicar and asked him what she should do to stop him.

The vicar gave her a sewing needle and said, "just stab him with this when he falls asleep".

So the next week they go to church and sure enough, the husband falls asleep. As the vicar gave a sermon he asked, "Who is the creator of all?" the woman poked her sleeping husband to wake him up and he shouted in pain, "GOD!!!!"

"Yes", said the vicar.

10 minutes later, he fell asleep again, as the vicar asked the audience; "who is the son of God?" she poked him with the needle and he jolted awake shouting, "JESUS!!"

"Yes", replied the vicar.

Near the end of the sermon he fell asleep again, and the vicar asked the audience "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to his 99th child?" and the woman poked her husband awake again, and he screamed at her; "IF YOU STICK THAT BLOODY THING INSIDE ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A**E!!!"

 

[mishu1984]

jay jay jay, you scousers have no shame. bloody holiday season and here you go talking about mary's privates

 

[mishu1984]

lol im trying to give you rep but it says i must spread it elsewhere first

 

[jay cluskey]

A postman knocks on the front door, 10 yr old timothy answers the door he is wearing suspenders, a bra and thong with a cigar in his mouth and a glass of whisky in his hand.

"Is your mum in" asks the postman.
"does it bloody look like she is in!!!" he replies

 

[agbiv]

Scruddy old dude slithers onto a bar stool next to a gorgeous young woman. He orders several beers constantly eyeing her. When the young man she's sitting with gets up and heads to the facilities, crusty leans over and whispers, "I'll give you a thousand dollars to kiss your breast." "Old man I'm going to have my boyfriend pound you for that!" she exclaims. "Oh no miss" he whines "it's just that you're sooo beautiful. No offense meant!"

Boyfriend returns and young lady tells all. After a few moments the boyfriend replys "Well...it's only a kiss and we COULD use a thousand dollars." She agrees and boyfriend walks over to randy geezer. He agrees and says deal will be consumated in the car outside - geezer and girl in back seat and boyfriend as guard in front.

All situated in the car, our fair maiden bares her beautious wares. Geezer starts rubbing his face on them and moans "Oh I can't, oh I just can't" over and over. Boyfriend becomes irate and hollers "Hurry up old man!" To which he replys "I just can't kiss her!" "Why not?" sneers the greedy boyfriend.

"Because I don't have a thousand dollars" admits crusty. :t

 

[jay cluskey]

President Vladimir Putin called Tony Blair with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Blair.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied tony Blair and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said tony Blair, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.

 

[drunkinbda]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

 

[jay cluskey]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

 

[jay cluskey]

A guy is driving down a quite stretch of road late on night. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a police officer pulls him over.
OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
GUY: “Come on, I slowed down didn’t I?”
OFFICER: “You must come to a full stop at the sign.”
GUY: “Stop. Slow down. What’s the difference?”
The officer pulls out his baton and starts to beat seven shades of shit out of the guy.
OFFICER: “Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?”

 

[jay cluskey]

Pilot: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. The weather is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. OH MY GOD...."

Pilot: (Five minutes later) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking, the flight attendent spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."

Passenger: "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine."

 

[apneaboy]

There is an old couple sat in the church. The old lady leans over and says to her husband.

'I don't know whats causing it but i keep letting out silent farts, what should i do?'

He replies

'Get yourself some new batteries for your hearing aid!'

 

[jay cluskey]

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we were at it all night."

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

 

[agbiv]

Good one Robin! :blackeye

 

[jay cluskey]

40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup

 

[jay cluskey]

the recent trial of the terrorists who attempted to blow up a car at glasgow airport in july 07 threw up quite an interesting story

the surviving failed bomber actualy complained about the food which he was served whilst in hospital " all i was served was haggis tattys and neaps"
i was thinking to my self , what do you expect in a bloody burns unitroflrofl

 

[fcallagy]

nice one jay but i dont think everyone is gonna get that one

 

[agbiv]

Oh...Jay. Thank the Lord for google.

It just burns me up when inside jokes are told at the the expense of an audience at large. :naughty However, since you put your pluck in pun of haggis, I can't fault you much since twas well done. :t I think I'll go have a big bowl of menudo. :friday

 

[jay cluskey]

Having chosen English as the preferred language, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

 

[apneaboy]

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Isn't that German Jay?

 

[podge]

super glued slippersroflrofl
click on the image.