Jokes Thread!!!

[sp9hzx]

Hi guys,

The situation was regular.

Bill Thompson was a university graduate.That is probably why he got a good job soon after he left College.He was made barman in a private hospital for the deaf and dumb.
One day,or rather one morning ,he wanted to go to a party and asked me to do his work.
-I'm sorry,old chap-I said-but I can't!
-Why not?-he queried
-You see, I dont know the sign language.
-It's very simple-he said-the moment you open the bar at 6PM a few chaps will come in.They will make a sign for the glasses to be put on the table.All you have to do is to take the glasses and put them on the table.Next they will make a sign for whisky to be poured out into the glasses and for the money to be taken.If you're still worried you can have my phone number just in case.
I could not have said "no", so I said "yes".
I opened the bar at 6 and the moment I did so 6 fellows walked right in.They made the sign for the glasses to be put on the table.Next they made the sign for whisky to be poured out into the glasses.
I did what was asked of me.For the next 2 or 3 hours they kept making the signs for the whisky to be poured out and at last they got up to their feet ,opened their mouths and looked at me,smiling all the time...
I felt quite lost.I was wondering whether they wanted the whisky to be poured out direct into their mouths,but I could not take any chances.
I rushed to the phone,dialed Bill's number and told him what was going on.
-Set you mind at rest,old chap-he answered roaring with laughter-they've had too many drinks and are singing now!The situation is perfectly regular!

 

[foxfish]

I went driving with Dean Martin and got attacked by an eel. "What the hell was that" I screamed...he turned to me and said "that's a moray".

 

[Trelawney]

I said to my wife, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus, feeding her son."
She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural."

"I don't know what's so natural about it" I replied, "She was feeding him Quavers."

 

[tycoonelyk]

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

Because he had no BODY to go with!!!

 

[ReefTroll]

I went driving with Dean Martin and got attacked by an eel. "What the hell was that" I screamed...he turned to me and said "that's a moray".

 

[agbiv]

Troll...joke is getting a little long in the tooth, don't you think?

 

[ReefTroll]

I thought my joke was fangtastic.

 

[agbiv]

Since you asked a pointed question...I don't find your attempt at humor biting at all but rather slippery and slimey. As a matter of fact it borders on the a-moral. :headSo try another foray not a-moray. BTW you know I am just messin' with the Troll because we're buds across the briney blue. Don't even think about a smart arsed comment Apboy--I'll e-smack you till ya see stars.

 

[Bill]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you? Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. ‘What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?’

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[tycoonelyk]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

 

[Phil34289]

Nice thread you guys! My favorite section of any forums indeed.

Have you guys seen "anti-joke chicken" memes. Hilarious!

 

[hyeparis]

This is not a joke: Three men deported from Saudi Arabia to UAE for being 'too irresistible to women'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-Arabia-irresistible-women.html#ixzz2QpKklEPR ​

 

[IsaacND]

I'm always getting deported for that! I was upset to see there were no pictures though... That said; it was in the Daily Mail, the actual story was probably something about the migratory patterns of otters until the Mail got their hands on it...

 

[agbiv]

A brave US Army attack helicopter pilot is shot down during a harrowing mission. In the ensueing crash he rescues his fellow crewman and commits other acts of heroism on the battlefield. He is promoted to Major and decorated for heroism. Unfortunately he loses both of his outer ears in the crash. Since he is no longer flight capable he is posted to be in charge of the 3 star general's staff and is very successful in keeping him up to speed and out of trouble.

A month later the personal assistant position to the General opens up and the Major begins conducting interviews.

The first applicant is a young 1st Lt. with platoon leader experience. He knows the Army ways and has shown good leadership. The interview goes well and is coming to a close. The Major looks the Lt. in the eye and asks "So what do notice about me that's differant than anyone else you've ever met in the Army?" The Lt. stammers and blurts out "You don't have any ears sir!" The Major explodes "Get out of here and tell the next applicant to come in!"

The second applicant is a young Captain. She is a West Pointer, commanded a company and had staff dealings. Her interview is outstanding. The Major looks the Captain in the eye and asks "Captain, what do notice about me that's different than anyone else in the Army?" The Captain coughs politely and says "Well...I hate to state the obvious sir, but you don't have any ears." The major explodes "Get out of here and tell the next applicant to come in!"

The third and last applicant is a crusty old Seargant Major with 30 years experience and highly decorated for valor. He's really rough hewn but knows the Army inside and out and could really ride herd on the General. The interview goes fairly well. The Major looks the Seargant Major in the eye and asks "So Sgt. Major, what do you notice different about me than anyone else in the Army?" The Sgt. Major looks the Major up and down and says "Well sir, you are highly decorated, wearing pilot wings...and wearing contact lenses!"

"Outstanding!" shouts the Major. "And how did you come to the conclusion that I am wearing contact lenses Sgt. Major?"

"Easy sir," replys the Sgt. Major "you don't have any f#@&^$g ears to hang glasses on!"

 

[Trelawney]

My mate had an unprotected nose rub with an Eskimo prostitute.

He caught Sniffilis

 

[shrugs]

No


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[agbiv]

Yes -- snork :wave

 

[Bill]

It's so hard to use a changed site.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said...

"Me, too. I didn't know we had that choice!”

 

[Bill]

From Irish Pat:

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[agbiv]

That's a truely shitty joke.