Jokes Thread!!!

[Bill]

Man was married 25 years, took a look at his wife one day and said,
"Honey 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
His wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...

Aloha
Bill

 

[SurfnSpear]

:friday :friday

 

[miles]

Aussie Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,
Sheila

 

[Freediver81]

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it.... .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

Enjoy your day...

 

[miles]

old age pensioners

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.........

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.


I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.


This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.


I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

 

[Freediver81]

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because
he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will l kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all
day and all night. He made
love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird
returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to
her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird

wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................


OH, come on...take a guess!





Think about it .
(You're going to love this!)




And the moral is .

...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

 

[Freediver81]

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and
said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old.

I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not Ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You

will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.



FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope
there is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck.
Who would possibly send him $50,000? He read the letter enclosed.




"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you had said. I decided
that you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the
enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,


Dick van Dyke

 

[Groupermadness]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage In the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

What’s the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Freediver81]

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.

The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the wip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to lower the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says " Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I
want the pleasure a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his
wishes.
With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the wip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double
the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.

The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish
but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up
during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at
each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish.

"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

 

[Freediver81]

"Hello?

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

> >>> "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
> >>> Paul."
> >>>
> >>> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you
> >>> haven't got an Uncle Paul."
> >>>
> >>> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
> >>> Mommy, right now."
> >>>
> >>> Brief Pause.
> >>>
> >>> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
> >>> phone down on the
> >>> table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and
> >>> shout to Mommy that
> >>> Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
> >>>
> >>> "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
> >>>
> >>>! ; A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
> >>> phone.
> >>>
> >>> "I did it Daddy."
> >>>
> >>> "And what happened honey?" he asked.
> >>>
> >>> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
> >>> clothes on and ran
> >>> around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit
> >>> her head on the dresser
> >>> and now she isn't moving at all!"
> >>>
> >>> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
> >>>
> >>> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
> >>> was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
> >>> and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
> >>> that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
> >>> hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
> >>>
> >>> ***Long Pause***
> >>>
> >>> ***Longer Pause***
> >>>
> >>> ***Even Longer Pause***
> >>>
> >>> Then Daddy says,
> >>>
> >>> "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"

 

[Groupermadness]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"


Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.



Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,

in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed..3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 Cuckoos=MIDNITE!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight."

He didn't seem pi*sed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!


Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,

then said, "Oh. S***," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted

 

[deep thinker]

If this was my kid...

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the Whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering! voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME." rofl rofl

 

[Freediver81]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class Gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she Will
have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot And co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class That belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot Goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies,"I'm blonde,I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying Right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest This blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I Speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in The economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and Asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot Replied "I told her First Class isn't going toMelbourne".

 

[SurfnSpear]

Re: What does a blond do after a serious car crash?

:girlie :girlie :girlie

 

[Groupermadness]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I
won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter
from his
son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

 

[Donna]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze..

The young man's date a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS

 

[Dunc March]

BA have halted flights and the alert level has changed:


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombing plans and
have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the
great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

 

[Groupermadness]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours."

The guy left.


A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3
hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour
and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a
favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but
then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

 

[Groupermadness]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO LOVE TO GET "BLOND" JOKES...............Here's the blond cowboy!!



The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.. So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... So I did.



Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

 

[Groupermadness]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "Great, thank you. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's
really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, honey! , I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this
phone belongs to?"