Jokes Thread!!!

[deep thinker]

One for the girls

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband" The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

 

[deep thinker]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next
day the85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the

jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first

I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up
Arleen,the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then
an armpit,and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man
replied,
"Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

 

[Freediver81]

Famous Last Words
"They couldn't hit the broad side of a barn from th..."
( A confederate general said to one of his officers as he watched the union army set their cannons up too far away. He didn't get to finish because a union cannonball took his head off. )
I'll get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
Here's my Kent State student ID.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Can we get a vision plan?
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes aren't untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
Where did all those F#*@king indians come from?
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
What's that priest doing here?
Hi O. J., I'm here to see your ex-wife
Only an idiot would ski into a tree.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
I'll get your toast out.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
The FBI just came over the ridge.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
This kool-aid tastes funny.
Well we've made it this far.
That's odd.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
OK this is the last time.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
What duck?

 

[jimdoe2you]

Politically correct? ........No!

Funny? ........Yes!

.

 

[Freediver81]

POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

 

[penguinator]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up on the wall saying "Milkshakes $2, Sandwiches $5, handjobs $10".

He walks up to the gorgeous barmaid and asks "Are you the lady who gives the tugjobs?" and with a mischevious smile on her face she confirms "Yes honey im the one".

"Good" the man says. "Wash your hands and make me a damn sandwich".

 

[johnny]

Chinese proverb.

Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.

 

[johnny]

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 

[miles]

Some snippets from my favourite cartoon book!! Calvin and Hobb's:

 

[miles]

more...................

 

[miles]

even some more.....

 

[miles]

interesting stuff:

 

[river rat]

Q: What do you call a DIVEMASTER without a girlfriend???

A: HOMELESS!!!!!!

 

[SanderP]

One of the best jokes I've heard in a long long while .

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her HOT younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down whenever near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[island_sands]

Q: What do you call a DIVEMASTER without a girlfriend???

A: HOMELESS!!!!!!

aint that the truth rofl

 

[island_sands]

Why Older Chicks Rule* *.* - by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".

This is for all you girls 40 years and over... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's....and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend, because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always already know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage. rofl
>

 

[roy_nexus_6]

A husband comes home and finds his wife in a bed with his friend.
He shoots his friend to death after which his wife says: - "If you behave like this, you will lose all of your friends! "

 

[Gillz]

ah haha!rofl :friday

 

[Dan Man]

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

 

[johnny]

The teacher asked the class, if you were covered in something what would you be covered in ??

Bruce put his hand up....

" i would be covered in gold miss"

why is that said the teacher

little bruce said " well i could scrap a little off and buy myself a nice car.

HMMMMM very good said the teacher.

ok Colin what about you.

Colin: i would be covered in the highest quality gold platinum. and scrap a little off and buy myself a really cool Ferrari ..

HMMMMM very good said the teacher.


Johnny what about you?

"HMMM well" said Johnny. "I would be covered in pubic hair miss"

"what do you mean johnny why pubic hair" replied the teacher.

Johnny said.
"well my older sister has a little patch this big ..... and you should see how many cars are outside our house "