World's worst choice for a prison tattoo.....................
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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
Why We Split-Up ........
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up,
$150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes
and $600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up,
$150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes
and $600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted!! rofl rofl
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted!! rofl rofl
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver
so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me
your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you
gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a
couple a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to
you watch and say "Times up"?"
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver
so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me
your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you
gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a
couple a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to
you watch and say "Times up"?"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STORY,
>
> A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
> round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
> hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
> It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
> accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
> there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
> shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple
> of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all
> eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
> club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
> 10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.
>
> Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
> and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,
> "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're
> proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
> yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's
> just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
> than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the
> clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"..
>
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started
> to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago - What
> did you shoot?"
>
> A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
> round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
> hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
> It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
> accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
> there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
> shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple
> of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all
> eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
> club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
> 10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.
>
> Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
> and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,
> "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're
> proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
> yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's
> just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
> than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the
> clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"..
>
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started
> to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago - What
> did you shoot?"
A few quotes about married women!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
> >David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
> >Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
> >Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
> >Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
> >Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
> >Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
> >Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
> >Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
> >James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
> >Patrick Murray
"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
> >Nash
"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once..."
> >Anonymous
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
> >Milton Berle
"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."
Anonymous
"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
> >Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
> >David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
> >Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
> >Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
> >Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
> >Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
> >Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
> >Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
> >Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
> >James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
> >Patrick Murray
"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
> >Nash
"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once..."
> >Anonymous
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
> >Milton Berle
"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."
Anonymous
"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
> >Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Why I Fired My Secretary...
Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came In To Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."
I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined
Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously. On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day...! We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"
I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"
She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."
"ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Naked.
Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came In To Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."
I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined
Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously. On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day...! We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"
I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"
She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."
"ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Naked.
It quite possibly has already been posted here, but I don't feel like checking through all the 44 pages.
Men's advice to women
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Sunday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
18. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
Training courses for men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Men's advice to women
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Sunday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
18. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
Training courses for men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Last edited:
Once upon a time, there was apparently a SPC Schwarz (Skippy) stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do.
The 213 Things....
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
Continued.....
The 213 Things....
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
Continued.....
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106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
[ame="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3689560270595414198&hl=en"]How to dance like a white guy.[/ame]
the white man dance video rofl
the white man dance video rofl
Fighting the flu
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter !"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter !"
One for the Girls!
After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at
her bedside, and said: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?..."
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed... You mean
it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!
After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at
her bedside, and said: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?..."
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed... You mean
it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, ""Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips, you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You've got to be kiddin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, actually I am... but you started it."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips, you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You've got to be kiddin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, actually I am... but you started it."
*A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.*
*They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
Nervousness and the broccoli casserole that she consumed. The gas pains
Almost made her eyes water. *
*Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
Out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. *
*Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
Looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
Said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. *
*A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. * *
This Time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer** rrrrrip.* *
**The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" *
*Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" *
*A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. *
*This time she didn't even think about it.She let a fart rip that rivaled a Freight train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!" * *
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.*
*They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
Nervousness and the broccoli casserole that she consumed. The gas pains
Almost made her eyes water. *
*Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
Out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. *
*Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
Looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
Said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. *
*A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. * *
This Time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer** rrrrrip.* *
**The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" *
*Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" *
*A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. *
*This time she didn't even think about it.She let a fart rip that rivaled a Freight train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!" * *
In honour of Stupid People .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)