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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
Little old lady, wrapped in her shawl, and carrying her loyal cat Thomas, is walking down the beach. She espies a strange bottle protruding from the sand. Picking it up she brushes it off and opens it. A huge cloud of smoke billows out and a giant genie appears and bellows, "I was imprisoned in this bottle 3,000 years ago by King Solomon! You've got 3 wishes but make'm qick 'cause I've go places to go & people to see!"
The little old lady says "Well...I would like to be young and beautiful again-like I was at 22!" Genie waves his hand and it is so--she's a 22 year old knock out.
Then she decides "Make me permanently rich beyond my wildest dreams!" The genie claps his hands and assures her she has billions now.
Lastly she muses "I want someone to spend my new life and wealth with. I was married to Harry for 64 years but he passed away last year." The genie interupts "Only GOD can raise the dead. Pick someone else."
"Well...how about Thoms, my loyal cat? He's always been faithful and we really enjoy each other. Please turn him into a handsome young man and we'll start a new life together!" Genie snaps his fingers and, along with Thomas, disappears in a cloud of smoke. Down the beach appears a handsome young man.
The two run together embrace and fall to the sand. The lady is stroking Thomas' head and sighs,"Oh Thomas, we're young, wealthy and have each other. What more could we want?"
Thomas gazes into her eyes and says:
"I guess you're sorry you had me fixed now--huh?"
:t
The little old lady says "Well...I would like to be young and beautiful again-like I was at 22!" Genie waves his hand and it is so--she's a 22 year old knock out.
Then she decides "Make me permanently rich beyond my wildest dreams!" The genie claps his hands and assures her she has billions now.
Lastly she muses "I want someone to spend my new life and wealth with. I was married to Harry for 64 years but he passed away last year." The genie interupts "Only GOD can raise the dead. Pick someone else."
"Well...how about Thoms, my loyal cat? He's always been faithful and we really enjoy each other. Please turn him into a handsome young man and we'll start a new life together!" Genie snaps his fingers and, along with Thomas, disappears in a cloud of smoke. Down the beach appears a handsome young man.
The two run together embrace and fall to the sand. The lady is stroking Thomas' head and sighs,"Oh Thomas, we're young, wealthy and have each other. What more could we want?"
Thomas gazes into her eyes and says:
"I guess you're sorry you had me fixed now--huh?"
:t
Do you know why men get excited when women dress in leather
Because they smell like a new car !
Because they smell like a new car !
not really a joke but really funny!
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4m9k0c_lgU&feature=rec-HM-r2]YouTube - SuperBowl Bud Commercial[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4m9k0c_lgU&feature=rec-HM-r2]YouTube - SuperBowl Bud Commercial[/ame]
nice one whopperhead,i can only picture my missus doing the same with the reins on & the moose sat next to me hehehe chuckle i did
BREAKING NEWS liverpool football club have just signed 2 new players,an italian & a japanese player,called robatelli & nikamotor
An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any bloody Frenchmen to show it to."
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any bloody Frenchmen to show it to."
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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
I am writing in to complain about gadgets like this below!!
I cannot condone these new fangled gadgets in any way shape or form.
If anyone has similar gripes please post them here so we can all complain about them together.
p.s. If anyone knows where i can get one PM my rep scales ...... only so i can report the shop though ... ahumm
View attachment 21985
I cannot condone these new fangled gadgets in any way shape or form.
If anyone has similar gripes please post them here so we can all complain about them together.
p.s. If anyone knows where i can get one PM my rep scales ...... only so i can report the shop though ... ahumm
View attachment 21985
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Similar one:
I work in a computer company (really), got this in my mailbox a few days ago:
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
............................................................................
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOTunder any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
I work in a computer company (really), got this in my mailbox a few days ago:
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
............................................................................
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOTunder any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.
Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.
1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter
Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.
1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter
How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.
Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.