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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
( Not sure if this hasn't already appeared .)
A mother answers the door to an angry neighbour . The neighbour is holding the mother's son by one ear .
" I've just caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my daughter . " Exclaimed the neighbour .
" Well , " Says the mother , " I suppose they're both at that age when youngsters start to show an interest in the bodies of the opposite sex , perhaps we shouldn't be too hard on them . "
" I don't care about that . " Says the neighbour . " He was trying to take her bloody appendix out with a penknife . "
A mother answers the door to an angry neighbour . The neighbour is holding the mother's son by one ear .
" I've just caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my daughter . " Exclaimed the neighbour .
" Well , " Says the mother , " I suppose they're both at that age when youngsters start to show an interest in the bodies of the opposite sex , perhaps we shouldn't be too hard on them . "
" I don't care about that . " Says the neighbour . " He was trying to take her bloody appendix out with a penknife . "
Anyone who has met me maybe wondering how i keep so in shape... well some words of wisdom from my Doctor 
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
Two Red Indians & an Irishman
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All
of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave..
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to
the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, 'Hey, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger
than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an
answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper
read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All
of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave..
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to
the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, 'Hey, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger
than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an
answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper
read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Not a joke but really happened (conversation parphrased).
Early one morning, walking on the beach at Port Aransas with the wife...
as we pass a nubile young beauty undressing.
Wifie: Did you see that girl undressing?
Me: What girl? (Thank God for dark sunglasses with the idiot string which kept my eyeballs in their sockets).
Wifie: That girl right over there! I wish I had a body like that.
Me: (Now looking with permission) Oh! That girl! Me too. :t
Did you know that you can see stars in the daylight...especially when clanged on the side of the head with a beach bag. :chatup :blackeye
Early one morning, walking on the beach at Port Aransas with the wife...
as we pass a nubile young beauty undressing.
Wifie: Did you see that girl undressing?
Me: What girl? (Thank God for dark sunglasses with the idiot string which kept my eyeballs in their sockets).
Wifie: That girl right over there! I wish I had a body like that.
Me: (Now looking with permission) Oh! That girl! Me too. :t
Did you know that you can see stars in the daylight...especially when clanged on the side of the head with a beach bag. :chatup :blackeye
Last edited:
LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
Gail from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me...."You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!"
I thought "Shit! .. Women!" Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms "Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.
I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]
I'm too soft me, what a catch I was for her the luuuuucky thing
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
Gail from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me...."You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!"
I thought "Shit! .. Women!" Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms "Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.
I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]
I'm too soft me, what a catch I was for her the luuuuucky thing
A husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm , his wife looks up in surprise .
HUSBAND : " Darling , this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache " .
WIFE : " You idiot ! Thats a sheep " .
HUSBAND : " I was talking to the sheep " .
HUSBAND : " Darling , this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache " .
WIFE : " You idiot ! Thats a sheep " .
HUSBAND : " I was talking to the sheep " .
I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do when you've retired?"
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, Scotch and margaritas into urine.
I'm pretty good at it, too.
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, Scotch and margaritas into urine.
I'm pretty good at it, too.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing Is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi,
Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them
on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'How much are people giving?'
''About a gallon each.'
Nothing Is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi,
Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them
on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'How much are people giving?'
''About a gallon each.'
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far arse kissing will take you..
A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Arse kissing that will put you over the top.
I just worked out i'm operating at 129% of my efficiency!!
l-a-z-y-b-a-s-t-a-r-d rofl
'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far arse kissing will take you..
A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Arse kissing that will put you over the top.
I just worked out i'm operating at 129% of my efficiency!!
l-a-z-y-b-a-s-t-a-r-d rofl
'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. The situation was tense.