Jokes Thread!!!

[devondave]

A burglar is skulking around the house he's broken into , shinning a flashlight about , looking for goodies to steal .
Suddenly , from out of the darkness he hears a disembodied voice .
" Jesus is watching you " . Intones the voice .
Terrified , the burglar turns off his light and cowers in a corner .
After awhile he regains his composure and resumes looking for loot .
But again the strange-sounding voice declares ,
" Beware ! Jesus is watching you " .
This time the burglar is petrified , diving behind the sofa he lies there quaking .
Eventually , unable to bear the waiting he looks over the sofa and shines the torch around .
There on a lampshade he see's a parrot .
" Was that you talking ? "
" Umm , yes . " Replied the parrot .
" And who the f@&< are you ? " Said the buglar crossly .
" I'm Moses . " Answered the parrot .
" Ha ! " Snorted the buglar .
" What sort of fuitcake calls their parrot Moses ? " He sneered .
" Umm , the same sort of fuitcake who named their Rottweiler Jesus . " Said the parrot .

 

[apneaboy]

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[shoutatthesky]

The Laughing Great White Shark

Smiling great white shark: underwater photographer Amos Nachoum gets close to Jaws - Telegraph

 

[apneaboy]

aaahhh cute

 

[apneaboy]

To The Point News - THE ULTIMATE ADVENTURE CRUISE

 

[Bill]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."

 

[jay cluskey]

so poor leona lewis got smacked at her book signing a few weeks ago !

Only a British person would be so polite as to wait for five hours in a queue to punch somebody.

 

[jay cluskey]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

 

[jay cluskey]

My Physics teacher was arguing that it's impossible to be hit by a stationary object.

Quickly changed his tune when I smacked him in the head with a stapler.

 

[jay cluskey]

How pointless is juggling? If I wanted to keep three or more things in the air simultaneously, I'd use a shelf.

 

[apneaboy]

so poor leona lewis got smacked at her book signing a few weeks ago !

Only a British person would be so polite as to wait for five hours in a queue to punch somebody.

rofl

How true is that!!

rofl

 

[Mark Tomkins]

Something else to worry about .....


I'm not really concerned about swine flu.

Here's my real concern.


* 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . .


Mad Cow disease.


* 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . .


Avian flu.


* This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . .


Swine flu.


Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody else worried?

 

[apneaboy]

One for the Laydeeeeees

The Man of the year awards. I am proud our great nation made it into the top six, here is number six.

View attachment ukmoy.bmp

And in fifth place Poland.

View attachment 26299

Fourth place goes to Greece.

View attachment greecemoy.bmp

Third place is Serbia.

View attachment serbiamoy.bmp

Watch this space for the top two!!!

 

[apneaboy]

In second place the great U S of A

View attachment usamoy.bmp

But the winner by only a small margin, Feargus must be sooo proud is......

Ireland woohooooo well done boys!!

View attachment irishmoy.bmp

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.

 

[Bill]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

 

[jay cluskey]

i dont know if any one else will find this funny
some people just have too much time on their hands

 

[jay cluskey]

A man gets pissed at bar, tries to stand up and falls down. Tries to stand up and falls down. Drags himself outside and falls over. Drags himself home, tries to open door and falls in. His Wife says in the morning "You were pissed last night" "How do you know" he replies "The pub rang, you left your wheel chair"

 

[shoutatthesky]

There is a place in the UK named 'Cockermouth' roflroflroflrofl

Below is a picture of one of the residents....










Our very own Jay Cluskey....blackeye

 

[jay cluskey]

i resemble those remarks !!!!!!!!! :naughty:martialroflrofl

 

[apneaboy]

i resemble those remarks !!!!!!!!! :naughty:martialroflrofl

For using my favourite quote I would like to point out that in no way looks like Jay, Jays face is far flatter after all the fights he has had in the ring