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Jokes Thread!!!

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A hunchback and a cripple were sitting in their local pub having a beer or two. The hunchback looked at his watch and groaned.

"Oh ***** it's nearly 10 o'clock and I wanted to be home to watch the start of the match", he moaned. "looks like I'm gong to miss it."

"Why not take a short cut through the graveyard - you might be in time that way", suggests his cripmate. So off home went the hunchback, through the graveyard.

Halfway across, he got the fright of his life when the Devil himself jumped out from behind an old crumbling monument, blocking his path.

"What's that on your back?" demanded Satan.

"Err .. it's a hunch", replied Quasi, nearly shitting himself with fear.

"Right, I'm having that!" cackled Satan, and he took the hunch off his back and vanished in a cloud of black smoke.

The hunchback was instantly cured, and marched home as proud as a Guardsman. He told his wife what had happened, texted all his friends and family, and even posted in on Sickipedia (but hardly anyone saw it as it was buried in ten minutes). The next evening, he went back to the pub to tell the cripple what had happened.

"You'll never guess what happened last night", said ex-Quasi, and he told the cripple of how he had been cured.

"That's great", said Hopalong. "I wonder if he would cure me too?"

So, at ten o'clock the cripple limped across the graveyard, and sure enough the devil jumped out in front of him.

"What's that on your back?" demanded Satan.

"What? Err ... nothing", said the cripple, confused.

"Here you are then", said Old Nick. "Have a hunch!"
 
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.
 
Reactions: agbiv
My Grandad used to put a spoonful of gunpowder into his tea every morning. He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of 97.

He left a widow, two children, 14 grandchildren and a 50 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
 
Reactions: shoutatthesky
This one is for you Spaghetti -

WARNING- this clip contains some words that some may think are swear words. 1min 13secs
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1TnzCiUSI0&feature=related]YouTube - The Italian Man Who went to Malta.[/ame]
 
Reactions: devondave
Mr. Hudson came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old."

Mr. Hudson laughed. "Oh yeah?" he asked, "And what did he have to say about your fifty-year-old ass?"

"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
 
Reactions: Bill
A teacher tells Little Johnny:
"Johnny, give me the opposite of this sentence"
Johnny: "Ok"
T: "Children make mistakes in the dark"
Johnny: "Mistakes in the dark make children"
 
Reactions: agbiv and ADM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say ' Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too ' . Damn right! What good is cake if you can ' t eat it?

4 When people say ' it ' s always the last place you look ' . Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you ' ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!

5 When people say while watching a film ' did you see that? ' . No Loser, I paid £10 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask ' Can I ask you a question? ' .... Didn ' t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is ' new and improved! ' . Which is it? If it ' s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it ' s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn ' t be new.

8 When people say ' life is short ' . What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that ' s longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks ' Has the bus come yet? ' . If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
 
Reactions: agbiv
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a canon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You lost an eye just from bird poop?"

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."
 
Reactions: Spiderman, jay cluskey, agbiv and 1 other person
Here in Texas we tell Aggie jokes but fill in the blank with your favorite politically incorrect target.

Two Aggies were out in the forest hunting. They stumbled out of the wood into a beautiful sundrenched clearing. Smack dab in the middle was a gorgious blond sunbathing in the nude. Our intrepid duo walzes up and the boldest asks "Are you game?" The nubile sun-worshiper responds (batting her eyelashes provocatively) , "Why yes boys--I sure am!"...


So's tweedle dumb and dumber shot her and drug off to the taxidermist.
 
Aggie: Student or alum of Texas A & M (Agriculture & Mechanical) located in College Station, Texas. Great school, sometimes great football, has an awesome military Corp of Cadets band...but the butt of jokes ad nausium. Last laugh is best--what do you call an Aggie after graduation?...answer: boss. Greatest rival--University of Texas Longhorns.
 
A sales rep' , working away from home checks himself into a posh hotel as a treat .
After a good meal he returns to his room and deciding that he's feeling a bit ' lonely ' , picks up the phone book and looks under Escorts .
Finding one he likes the look of , he picks up the phone and dials the number .
A woman with a husky , sexy voice answers .
" Can I help you sir ? "
" Yes " say's the man .
" I want two gorgeous , horny tarts , I want them dressed in black silky lingerie , I want lots of kinky stuff , whips and handcuffs etc and I want them to do each other too , do you know what I mean ? Do you understand ?
" Yes sir , I understand perfectly . " Replies the woman .
" But do you understand that you need to dial 9 for an outside line ? "
 
Reactions: mishu1984
Guy shows up at work with two horrendous black eyes. His fellow worker asks him how he got the shiners. He replys "Well me and the boys hit a night on the town. I had a bit too much so's I decided to ride the bus home. It was crowded and I wound up standing. A rather large lady got on in front. When she turned around I realized her dress was, well...stuck up between her cheeks. Thought it looked uncomfortable so I tugged it out for her. She turned around and blasted me in the left eye." :martial

Buddy admits that wasn't so bright but didn't explain the second shiner. Our intrepid traveler replied "Well after a couple of blocks I figured she wanted it like that so's I tucked it back in!" :head

Tah dum, dum.
 
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