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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
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there s one in london called bagshot .. (anagram)
elton johns favourite past time...
btw i had a flat nose before i ever boxed .. i thought one day i best find a good explanation for having bashed in features ... ah boxing thats the one .. and spent 5 years having them made flatter .. you can now land a plane on my nose never mind a punch ha ha
elton johns favourite past time...
btw i had a flat nose before i ever boxed .. i thought one day i best find a good explanation for having bashed in features ... ah boxing thats the one .. and spent 5 years having them made flatter .. you can now land a plane on my nose never mind a punch ha ha
lads your way off the mark with place names just check out muff and the inspired owner of muff diving club.
Muff Diving, Donegal, Ireland
We also have nobber in Co.meath and I,m sure a few others will come to mind in time.
Muff Diving, Donegal, Ireland
We also have nobber in Co.meath and I,m sure a few others will come to mind in time.
Many moons ago in a place far away, I helped a team of fellow Midshipman boost the morale of our small boat sailing team competing in the Severn River, Md. We hoisted our huge banner proudly but were ordered to remove it when the "powers that be" noticed the..er..emphasis of certain lettering. Banner politely read:
Go Naval Academy Dinghy Sailing TEAM!
Absolutely no sense of humor in that bunch of fine fettered officers. :friday
Go Naval Academy Dinghy Sailing TEAM!
Absolutely no sense of humor in that bunch of fine fettered officers. :friday
One of the best boat names that I ever saw was on a 24 foot Raddon that was used for abalone diving out of Santa Barbara long ago.
Cunning Linguist.
Apologies to anyone unable to enjoy the thought.
Cunning Linguist.
Apologies to anyone unable to enjoy the thought.
end of the world rap
warning warning it is the end of the world, baby! EOTW tonight! earth's a quakin everyones shakin bugs a crawlin meteors fallin panic in the streets o yes everyones makin a huge mess end rap song, this last part may be true: if the world started endin i'd go underwater and never come back up
warning warning it is the end of the world, baby! EOTW tonight! earth's a quakin everyones shakin bugs a crawlin meteors fallin panic in the streets o yes everyones makin a huge mess end rap song, this last part may be true: if the world started endin i'd go underwater and never come back up
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!" he said to himself. "What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look...
A 7-foot grizzly bear was charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!".
Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear brought his paws together, bowed his head and said:
"Bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
"What majestic trees!" he said to himself. "What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look...
A 7-foot grizzly bear was charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!".
Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear brought his paws together, bowed his head and said:
"Bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Status Quo have just been awarded CBEs for their services to music.
Ironically, the only three chords they can play.
Ironically, the only three chords they can play.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'When I told Grandpa he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'When I told Grandpa he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As she got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As she got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
Intrepid traveler is driving the loop around Houston early one Sunday morning. Not paying much attention until he sees the red & blues flashing behind him. He pulls over and a State Trooper (DPS) walks to the window and asks the obligatory "Are you experiencing an emergency?" Driver honestly answers "No."
Trooper: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Driver honestly answers "Not at all."
Trooper: "I clocked you at 85 mph in a 70 mph zone. Is there any reason you were travelling so fast?" Our diver says "Just going with the flow of traffic sir."
Trooper looks around and the highway is empty! He scolds the driver "There's not a single vehicle in sight, what traffic are you keeping up with?"
Our driver quickly retorts "See how far behind I am!"
After busting up laughing the Trooper lets our driver go with naught but a stern warning.
True story.
Trooper: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Driver honestly answers "Not at all."
Trooper: "I clocked you at 85 mph in a 70 mph zone. Is there any reason you were travelling so fast?" Our diver says "Just going with the flow of traffic sir."
Trooper looks around and the highway is empty! He scolds the driver "There's not a single vehicle in sight, what traffic are you keeping up with?"
Our driver quickly retorts "See how far behind I am!"
After busting up laughing the Trooper lets our driver go with naught but a stern warning.
True story.
It is not on the topic.. Why are you discuss about Tiagra in diving forum??? spam?
You can't be serious.....this is the jokes thread...it's a joke, but in the event that perhaps you didn't understand it, let me spell it out for you.
Tiger Woods get's busted cheating on his wife with MULTIPLE partners.....over ten we'll say for arguments sake although the last count to my knowledge was somewhere around thirteen.
It's easy to surmise that perhaps Tiger Woods may have a little "help" then with the ladies....a little blue bill called Viagra.
It's a play on words...Viagra....Tiagra.....?!?!?
That's why I are discuss about Tiagra in diving forum.....
Cheers!!
Wade
Quote of the week in the funnies.
Dennis the Menace to his mother, while holding a blueberry up for inspection,
"This blueberry looks like a pea holdin' its breath."
Dennis the Menace to his mother, while holding a blueberry up for inspection,
"This blueberry looks like a pea holdin' its breath."