...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"[/quote]
roflroflrofl
Good one Jay!
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"[/quote]
roflroflrofl
Good one Jay!
-
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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25
Its not a joke but its Bloody funny 
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH1aK4ktack]YouTube - Slipper glued to floor prank HILARIOUS[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH1aK4ktack]YouTube - Slipper glued to floor prank HILARIOUS[/ame]
50°F
People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh put out bedding plants
40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs
35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down
20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts
15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry
0°F
Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold
-10°F
Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket
-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers
-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'
-173°F
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands
-460°F
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands
-500°F
Hell freezes over
Scotland will support England in the World cup
People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh put out bedding plants
40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs
35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down
20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts
15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry
0°F
Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold
-10°F
Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket
-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers
-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'
-173°F
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands
-460°F
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands
-500°F
Hell freezes over
Scotland will support England in the World cup
An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path. He wasn't sure of which direction to go, and he'd forgotten both where he was traveling to...and who he was.
He'd sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him.
She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke: "Now your third wish. What will it be?"
"Third wish?" The man was baffled. "How can it be a third wish if I haven't had a first and second wish?"
"You've had two wishes already," the hag said, "but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That's why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes." She cackled at the poor man. "So it is that you have one wish left."
"All right," he said hesitantly, "I don't believe this, but there's no harm in trying. I wish to know who I am."
"Funny," said the old woman as she granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish..."
He'd sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him.
She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke: "Now your third wish. What will it be?"
"Third wish?" The man was baffled. "How can it be a third wish if I haven't had a first and second wish?"
"You've had two wishes already," the hag said, "but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That's why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes." She cackled at the poor man. "So it is that you have one wish left."
"All right," he said hesitantly, "I don't believe this, but there's no harm in trying. I wish to know who I am."
"Funny," said the old woman as she granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish..."
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, i just lie there.
Q: What is your date of Birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every Year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty eight or thirty five, i cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty five years.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whos death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All of your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, i just lie there.
Q: What is your date of Birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every Year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty eight or thirty five, i cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty five years.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whos death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All of your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*it-head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*it-head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
IDIOTS OF 2009 � Preliminary Awards
Number One Idiot, so far in 2009
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot so far in 2009
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot so far in 2009
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ... Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot so far in 2009
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 18.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 18 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot so far in 2009
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne .
JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
Number One Idiot, so far in 2009
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot so far in 2009
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot so far in 2009
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ... Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot so far in 2009
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 18.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 18 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot so far in 2009
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne .
JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
An Indian guy, Chinese guy and a blond guy all work in a building site for new apartments. One day they're having lunch on the roof.
The Indian guy opens his lunch box and sees Indian food and says "I'm sick of Indian food, if my wife gets me Indian food tomorrow, I will jump off the roof".
The Chinese guy opens his lunch box and sees Chinese food and says the same thing as the Indian guy.
The blond guy opens his lunch box and sees sandwiches and says the same thing as the Indian and Chinese guys.
The next day, the Indian guy opens his lunch box and sees Indian food and jumps to his death.
The Chinese guy opens his lunch box and sees Chinese food and also jumps to his death.
Finally the blond guy opens his lunch box and sees sandwiches and jumps to his death.
At their funerals, the Indian guys wife is crying and says "If I knew he hated Indian food, I would have given him something different."
The Chinese guys wife says "If I knew he hated Chinese food, I would have given him something different."
The blond guys wife says "don't look at me, he made his own lunch"
The Indian guy opens his lunch box and sees Indian food and says "I'm sick of Indian food, if my wife gets me Indian food tomorrow, I will jump off the roof".
The Chinese guy opens his lunch box and sees Chinese food and says the same thing as the Indian guy.
The blond guy opens his lunch box and sees sandwiches and says the same thing as the Indian and Chinese guys.
The next day, the Indian guy opens his lunch box and sees Indian food and jumps to his death.
The Chinese guy opens his lunch box and sees Chinese food and also jumps to his death.
Finally the blond guy opens his lunch box and sees sandwiches and jumps to his death.
At their funerals, the Indian guys wife is crying and says "If I knew he hated Indian food, I would have given him something different."
The Chinese guys wife says "If I knew he hated Chinese food, I would have given him something different."
The blond guys wife says "don't look at me, he made his own lunch"
Not everyone in England was gutted by that game.
I saw an old lady jumping up and down in the street swigging champagne from a bottle and blowing a vuvuzela.
Say what you like about the Queen, she knows how to support her team.
I saw an old lady jumping up and down in the street swigging champagne from a bottle and blowing a vuvuzela.
Say what you like about the Queen, she knows how to support her team.
I was driving down the motor way the other day . When the wife said, "i think those people in the car next to us must be welsh" .
I said "why?"
She said cos the children have just wrote on the window, 'stit ruoy su wohs'.
I said "why?"
She said cos the children have just wrote on the window, 'stit ruoy su wohs'.
Not funny but just to clarify, our royal family is a branch of the German House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, changed to Windsor in 1917 (war.)
Prince Charles is a member of The House of Schlesvig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksburg, OK, it's a bit funny.
Regards,
Dave.