Jokes Thread!!!

[jay cluskey]

A man walks into a bar and takes out a small piano and a little man who was only a foot tall. The little man sat at the piano and began playing.

The bartender was amazed and asked the man where he had got the man from.

The man said that he had been given it by a genie that lived inside a lamp, which he then brought out to show the bartender.

The bartender asked for a chance to make a wish and the man accepted, handing over the lamp.

The bartender rubbed it and the genie came out. The bartender thought for a minute and then asked the genie for "a million bucks".

Just then, a million ducks appeared in the bar, flapping and shitting everywhere.

The bartender was furious saying that he had wished for a million "bucks" not "ducks".

The man replied that the genie was slightly deaf and asked the bartender if he really thought that he had wished for a twelve inch pianist?!

 

[devondave]

ah the wonders of wikipedia
its only a joke thread dd not the history channel

Hangs head in shame and shuffles off to pedants corner.

 

[jay cluskey]

Hangs head in shame and shuffles off to pedants corner.

roflroflrofl

 

[apneaboy]

Not funny but just to clarify, our royal family is a branch of the German House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, changed to Windsor in 1917 (war.)

Prince Charles is a member of The House of Schlesvig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksburg, OK, it's a bit funny.

Regards,
Dave.

Thank you for stopping my uncontrollable laughter and enjoyment, that is quite a skill you have there.

yawwnnnn :head zzz

 

[agbiv]

"Just then, a million ducks appeared in the bar, flapping and shitting everywhere."


That quacks me up. :t

 

[jay cluskey]

Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.

Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.

His mates are naturally bummed that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.

Two days later the three fellas left in the party arrive at the camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.

Steve: 'Damn man, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'

Dave: 'I've been here since last night. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'

'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'

So here I am..

 

[jay cluskey]

this is the best joke on here .
michelle if you dont dive love then p£ss off
fat cow

 

[blueface]

this is the best joke on here .
michelle if you dont dive love then p£ss off
fat cow

It says she's from hagatna! That's here in Guam! Sounds made up. LOL!

 

[jay cluskey]

the left pic looks like somebody has photo shopped a thong on me

 

[agbiv]

Looks preggers. :head

 

[ReefTroll]

David Blane is said to be gutted after finding out his record of doing bugger all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney.

After much post match/world cup analysis England have decided to do away with pitches and play on paper because on paper England was supposed to win!

What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
rubbish. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

I can't believe we only managed a draw against such a poor team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.

Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on it, in support of
The England team. It’s called the “Laughing Stock”!!

 

[jay cluskey]

Paddy is painting the house on a red hot summers day when murphy walks in. To his surprise, he see's paddy sweating like mad with two coats on, he asks ' Paddy, why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka on a day like this ?'......paddy replies:' Read the bloody tin, it says for best results put on two coats !

 

[Lil Dragonfly]

LMAO!!!

http://www.thejokester.net/images/No2.jpg

 

[agbiv]

Okay--I stole--er--borrowed this one!

WHY DO SHARKS CIRCLE PEOPLE?

Two GWS's swam to a shipwreck.

The father shark said "Son first we swim around the people with just the tip of our dorsal fin showing." And they did.

Then he said "We circle around with both our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat them all up." After gorging themselves on the poor survivors...

The son asked "Father that was really good, but why did we circle them with our fins showing?"

"Because, my boy, they taste so much better with the shite out of them." :blackeye

 

[Tony Babowicz]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc" ?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went bang, bang. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ? asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.
The doctor replied, "My point exactly"

 

[rford150]

An architect in New Orlean, LA was visiting with contractors to complete a small project on a government building.

The first contractor from Lafayette, LA looks at the drawings and announces, "I will bid $9000. $4000 for material, $4000 for labor, and $1000 profit."

The second contractor from Monroe, LA reviews the drawings and says, "I bid $7000. $3000 for material, $3000 for labor, and $1000 profit."

The final contractor is from Baton Rouge, LA. He looks over the drawings and proudly states, "It'll cost $27000 to do this project."

The architect, a little taken back exclames, "That's 3 times the other bids. Why so high?" Smiling, he responds "It's simple. $10000 for you, $10000 for me, and we'll use the guy from Monroe!"

 

[jay cluskey]

Love is a sweet dream; marriage is the alarm clock

 

[rford150]

The Three Rings of Marrage:
1) Engagement Ring
2) Wedding Ring
3) Suffer-ring

 

[Tony Babowicz]

A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, “Well, how’d I do?”

The nurse says: “She had twins.”

He says, “Heh, heh, heh…well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there’s snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.”

She says, “Well, then you’d better change filters. Both of the babies are black.”

 

[Tony Babowicz]

A 65 year old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."