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Jokes Thread!!!

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
A man walks into the doctors and says, "I think there may be something stuck up my arse."

Doctor says, "May I take a look?"

The man bends over and the doctor says, "There's money stuck up there."

The man replies, "How much?"

Doctor replies, "£1900."

Man says "I knew I didn't feel two grand."
 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
 
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80,000 blondes meet in Wembley stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
 
:DAh, the old ones are the best ones. It has been pointed out that children read this forum, please show restraint.
 
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drinkdrinkdrink.jpg

Drink!


Drink!!


DRIIIIIIIINK!!!
 
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Is that the Manchester cheerleading squad? :blackeye

:)

I know your dying for a joust, one day when I'm feeling under the weather maybe. Give you a bit of a chance.

I'm busy flicking the stubble on my chin at the mo' reading your post, maybe later.

Lol
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

EIN VOLK! EIN REICH! EIN FUHRER!
 
I just saw a documentary on agoraphobia, where a bloke says that suffering from it has made him an outsider.

Which is possibly the most ironic statement ever.
 
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
 
Can you imagine if the rednecks made Star Wars, the ending would be even more epic.

"Luke I am your father.....and...... your uncle"
 
"And I'm my own greatgrandpa!" to quote the 60's song. Step away from this one Apboy or I'll have to buy a plane ticket. :martial
 
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Man comes to his wife--"Dear, if I died would you remarry?"

"Oh yes" she reply "I'm young still and wouldn't want to be alone for the rest of my life!"

"Okay" he says "but would you let him sit in my easy chair?"

"Of course it's just a chair" she announces.

"I suppose so...how about my truck? Would you let him drive my truck?" he queries.

"Well...you won'y need it, why not?" she logics.

"I see" he agrees "How about my golf clubs? Would you let him play with my clubs?"

"Of course not dear" she assures "He's LEFT handed!" :head
 
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Say...Adamina, do you free dive, spearfish, scuba, take underwater photography, conduct marine biology, fish, build spearguns or floatboards, specialize in any seafood preparation, or just generally add to the planet's carbon dioxide build-up?
 
How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere, then try again from the other side, the English to finish off the job, The Americans to claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to sit there in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.
 
Eight.

Belgium left the back door open for Germany to get it started

Russia could be the corner shop to get the bulb that's much too far to travel really without getting more fuel and without leaving a warm coat in the car incase it breaks down.
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