Jokes Thread!!!

What do you call 100 screaming heavily-armed lesbians? Militia Etheridge!

Two 85 year old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have
a last night on the town. After a few
drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms
and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,
i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
They won't know the difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl
was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
a little bite, then
she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!"

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, “No. These are for boys.”

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy’s bike and says, “Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!”

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, “Look, only boys have these and your mom can’t buy you one!”

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, “My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want.”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a pee. One wipes herself with her knickers and the other with a wreath. The two husbands were in the pub the next day and first man says "i better keep an eye on my wife she came home last night with no knickers on" the other man says" Thats sod all mate, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying- we'll never forget you from all the boys at the firestation

0 to 200 in 6 secondsBob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
...
And your strengths?

I'm Batman.

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends

Aw come on Jay. That's 60-70 year old history and non of the youngsters will believe it anyway.

That was rich! Did your borrow that or is it origional?

A man joined a Satanic cult and started praying to the dark one. Lo and behold, Satan actually appeared with a big hammer in his hand and asked him to make 3 wishes.

"3 wishes? But I wanted 100."

"No, you can only have 3."

"But I want 100."

"Do you want to ask your 3 wishes, or should I leave?"

So this guy agrees.
His first wish is, "I want you to change this giant hammer into a small wooden stick."
And so it happens.
His second wish is, "I want you to stick this wooden stick up your arse."

No choice left, Satan pushes the stick up his arse with tears flowing down his cheeks. He roars, "Ask your third wish!"

"I want you to grant me my remaining 97 wishes, else I'm going to convert this stick back into the giant hammer..."

Moral of the story: You cannot get anything from the management until you put a hammer up their arse.

I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become.

I liked it when they were a bit more underground

That's deep man, deep. :t

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 1am and was asked where he was going at this late hour.

The man replied "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer, skeptical, then asks "Really? And just who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "My wife."

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

A recent survey found out that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing russian roulette.

‎Two men are out fishing and drinking, almost silent, so not to scare the fish. Bob says "I think I’m going to divorce the wife. She hasn’t spoken to me for 4 weeks".

Jim continues with his beer and then whispers "Are you sure Bob? Women like that are so bloody hard to find"

roflroflroflroflroflrofl

Trelawney said:

A recent survey found out that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing russian roulette.

Click to expand...

yeah and nine out of ten enjoy gang rape

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."