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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
Old age golf
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
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" I Can't remember."
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
.
.
.
.
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" I Can't remember."
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".
A time traveller walks into a bar.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
No No No rofl rofl rofl
It didn't just happen rofl rofl rofl
Margarineanus just had a paddy joke explained to him by........................
rofl rofl rofl
Our resident DB Mentor joke explaining Paddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It didn't just happen rofl rofl rofl
Margarineanus just had a paddy joke explained to him by........................
rofl rofl rofl
Our resident DB Mentor joke explaining Paddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
O
omega3
Guest
McTavish arrives home one evening after work and as he gets through the door...
SMACK!!!, Mrs McTavish slaps him across the head.
"What was that for darling?" asks McTavish, rubbing his head.
"Well I was going through your jacket for it to go to the cleaners and I found a note with
Sexy Susan and a number on it, you are having an affair" bawled Mrs. McT
"Oh no" replied McT, "Sexy Susan is a horse that I got a tip on running in the 3:15 tomorrow and the number is the code. Don't worry my love, I would never cheat on you. Relax and I will make you a nice cup of tea"
"I'm so sorry" says Mrs. McT crying her eyes out, " I didn't know, please forgive me"
"There there, all is forgotten my darling, not to worry" says McT
The next evening McT arrives home after work and as he gets through the door...
BANG!!! Mrs McT scalps him with a skillet pan.
Blood pouring out the side of his head, reeling and seeing stars McT asks,
"Darling, what was that for??"
"Your horse rang"
SMACK!!!, Mrs McTavish slaps him across the head.
"What was that for darling?" asks McTavish, rubbing his head.
"Well I was going through your jacket for it to go to the cleaners and I found a note with
Sexy Susan and a number on it, you are having an affair" bawled Mrs. McT
"Oh no" replied McT, "Sexy Susan is a horse that I got a tip on running in the 3:15 tomorrow and the number is the code. Don't worry my love, I would never cheat on you. Relax and I will make you a nice cup of tea"
"I'm so sorry" says Mrs. McT crying her eyes out, " I didn't know, please forgive me"
"There there, all is forgotten my darling, not to worry" says McT
The next evening McT arrives home after work and as he gets through the door...
BANG!!! Mrs McT scalps him with a skillet pan.
Blood pouring out the side of his head, reeling and seeing stars McT asks,
"Darling, what was that for??"
"Your horse rang"
A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who tell a lie.
He decides to test it at dinner .
dad: "Son, where were you today?
Son: "At school."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "O.K. I lied, I went to the cinema."
Dad: "What did you watch?"
Son: "Toy Story 3."
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: "O.K! I watched a day with a porn star."
Dad: "When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the dad.
Mum: "Haha. Well after all, he is your son."
The robot slapped the mum
He decides to test it at dinner .
dad: "Son, where were you today?
Son: "At school."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "O.K. I lied, I went to the cinema."
Dad: "What did you watch?"
Son: "Toy Story 3."
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: "O.K! I watched a day with a porn star."
Dad: "When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the dad.
Mum: "Haha. Well after all, he is your son."
The robot slapped the mum
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He, you speak for yourself, front door only me buddy!
Don't know about you Texans though eh ;-)
She offered her honor,
and he honored her offer.
It went that way all night,
Honor and offer...honor and offer
and he honored her offer.
It went that way all night,
Honor and offer...honor and offer
This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
"For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
"For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans--relax. Here is our real problem!
In a Florida State University classroom, the students were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .
It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural-born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but then many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yup, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
And they breed, and they walk Among US...
In a Florida State University classroom, the students were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .
It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural-born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but then many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yup, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
And they breed, and they walk Among US...
O
omega3
Guest
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing inTransylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield."Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts."Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns."Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes."Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent."Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the f£%k off our car!"
Modified joke for the Irish thread.
A man was stopped by a baliff in Ireland recently with two buckets of scallops leaving a stretch of coastline well known for its shellfish.
The baliff asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those scallops?"
The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet scallops."
"Pet scallops?!" the baliff replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here scallops down to the sea and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey, scallops can't do that!"
The man looked at the baliff for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The baliff was curious.
The man poured the scallops in to the sea, stood and waited. After several minutes, the baliff turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the baliff prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The SCALLOPS!"
"What scallops?" the man asked.
A man was stopped by a baliff in Ireland recently with two buckets of scallops leaving a stretch of coastline well known for its shellfish.
The baliff asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those scallops?"
The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet scallops."
"Pet scallops?!" the baliff replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here scallops down to the sea and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey, scallops can't do that!"
The man looked at the baliff for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The baliff was curious.
The man poured the scallops in to the sea, stood and waited. After several minutes, the baliff turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the baliff prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The SCALLOPS!"
"What scallops?" the man asked.
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Scouse youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Croxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Liverpool pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Scouse youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Croxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Liverpool pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum for Mothers' day.
"Nothing!" he said. "Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why cant we have a Son Day?"
We do mate, it comes after Saturday.
"Nothing!" he said. "Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why cant we have a Son Day?"
We do mate, it comes after Saturday.