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Jokes Thread!!!

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
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I deliberately do things to annoy my wife. I wake up in the morning... God she hates that!
 
"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Dave."

"Dave who?"

Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.
 
Reactions: DafyddRees
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.
 
Reactions: Bill and jay cluskey
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big breasts who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.
 
Reactions: agbiv and scottwilson
Blonde pushes her BMW into the service station.

"It just died on me, can you take a look?", she tells the mechanic.

5 minutes later the car is idling perfectly.

"Whats the story?" says blonde

"Just crap in the carbureter" says the mechanic.

"Oh, how often?" says blondie.
 
Reactions: apneaboy, Tony Babowicz and agbiv
A real woman is a mans best friend.
She will never stand him up or let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do the things he never thought possible, and enable him to express his deepest emotions.
She will agree to his most intimate desires, make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible . . . no wait . . . I'm thinking of beer, it's f***ing beer that does all that.
Sorry.
 
Reactions: apneaboy, Tony Babowicz and agbiv
My wife has been missing for over a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go to the charity shop down the road and buy her clothes back.
 
Reactions: Tony Babowicz
paddy is waiting at the bus stop , mick pulls up in his car and says " hey paddy would you like a lift?" paddy replies " no thanks ill miss my bus"
 
paddy is having an interview for a job in a chemical factory ..the boss is asking about his prior experience and says "what do you know about nitrates?" paddy replies" i hope they are time and a half "
 
Reactions: apneaboy
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
 
Reactions: scottwilson
(for those from down South, the boat had actually sunk by accident but the parrot thought the magician had done a good trick )
 
jay cluskey said:
paddy is having an interview for a job in a chemical factory ..the boss is asking about his prior experience and says "what do you know about nitrates?" paddy replies" i hope they are time and a half "
Click to expand...

Maybe it's because of the language but... i need the down south version of this one
 
Reactions: apneaboy
Marg nitrates and night rates (extra payment for night work) so Paddy takes it up the wrong way. Speaking of taking it up the wrong way theres Steve and Jay alright lads.
PS The bus one makes total sense to me!!
 
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