Jokes Thread!!!

[jay cluskey]

Happy Mothers Day to all my neighbours on the estate.

Remember if you go out for a meal, take it easy on the WKD as you've got school tomorrow and its nearly GCSE time.

 

[jay cluskey]

A day when mothers and sons can reform their bond with one another.
We call it 'Mother's Day', the Italian's call it 'Festa Della Mamma' Rednecks call it 'Valentines Day'

 

[agbiv]

Hey hey hey whatch out for the ethnic slurs on rednecks! My Mom can beat the snot out of your Dad! :martial

 

[agbiv]

I deleted the %^^&&*^%%%$ &^&^%^%$# prior to "your Dad". :naughty

 

[bobdonny]

Modified joke for the Irish thread.

A man was stopped by a baliff in Ireland recently with two buckets of scallops leaving a stretch of coastline well known for its shellfish.

The baliff asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those scallops?"

The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet scallops."

"Pet scallops?!" the baliff replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here scallops down to the sea and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey, scallops can't do that!"

The man looked at the baliff for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The baliff was curious.

The man poured the scallops in to the sea, stood and waited. After several minutes, the baliff turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the baliff prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The SCALLOPS!"

"What scallops?" the man asked.

Just spotted this!! Fab

 

[manalive!]

The police came to my house last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" they asked,

"yes" I replied,

"I'm affraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" they said,

"I know but she's got a lovely personality"

 

[Bill]

descriptive prose contest,

WINNER: DETECTIVE
Steve Lynch, San Marcos, CA

She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man
write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have
to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and
then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.

 

[jay cluskey]

a scouser trys for a job at sea.
the captain asks , do you have any experience ?
"no" the scouse scallywag replies."but im really trustworthy"
the captain takes him on and off they sail.
after 3 weeks the scumbag is busy swabbing the decks when a huge wave crashes overthe boughs and sweeps him overboard.
seeing this the mancunian 1st mate runs to the captain and says;
"you know that scouse ba$%rd who said he was trustworthy...well he,s just f%$ked off with your mop"

 

[hyeparis]

Turns out Yuri Gagarin was a spearo: ???? ???????: 12 ?????? ??????????. ?????? ????????? ?? ??????, ?? ?????, ?? ??????????????? ????????? ? ? ?????? | Forbes.ru

 

[island_sands]

[ame=http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI]YouTube - My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One[/ame]

 

[agbiv]

Well done! Unfortunately I relate too well to the skit!:blackeye

 

[Fitzy_1982]

Modified joke for the Irish thread.

A man was stopped by a baliff in Ireland recently with two buckets of scallops leaving a stretch of coastline well known for its shellfish.

The baliff asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those scallops?"

The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet scallops."

"Pet scallops?!" the baliff replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here scallops down to the sea and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey, scallops can't do that!"

The man looked at the baliff for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The baliff was curious.

The man poured the scallops in to the sea, stood and waited. After several minutes, the baliff turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the baliff prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The SCALLOPS!"

"What scallops?" the man asked.

nearly missed this, very good.

 

[jay cluskey]

i hear elton john will release a remake of one of his classics as a tribute to ossama bin laden after his recent passing the song is called sandals in the bin !! ( i thought it was illegal to take a bin out on a bank holiday)

 

[agbiv]

OOOOh Jay!!! You're bad! Thrash yourself with a wet noodle 50 times.

 

[Fitzy_1982]

Paddy and Murphy are invited to a party where the theme is to come as an emotion. Red for love, green for envy etc.Paddy turns up with his c*ck inside a pear and Murphy comes with his dropped in a bowl of custard.The shocked guests asked 'What have you come as?!'To which Paddy replied 'Well I'm deep in despair and Murphy's f@cking disgusted'

 

[Bill]

What has an I.Q. of 160 and goes 2400 kph.

A flight of four fighter pilots.

 

[agbiv]

OOOOH not so good. My Dad's a former fighter pilot and at 77 years old next week, I'll send him over to out work & out think any comers. And he could probably kick most of y'alls a$$. I won't cross him but he is still the consumate gentleman. :martial

 

[agbiv]

Forward this to Bill Mac...from a distance.

 

[manalive!]

Paddy is presented in front of the judge for beating his wife.

"Why did you beat her?" the judge asked

"I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork" replies Paddy

 

[jay cluskey]

the judge then asked ,
and why did you hit her with a chair?
paddy then replied ,
well beacause i couldnt lift the fridge