A friend of mine has just started a new business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that resemble prayer mats. Says that prophets are going through the roof.
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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
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an Eskimo returns home to see his wife upset and crying .
he asks" what is wrong darling "
she replies " my mother is dead "
suddenly he slaps her across the face!
she cries "what was that for ??"
he says " that's for making me laugh when I have chapped lips "
he asks" what is wrong darling "
she replies " my mother is dead "
suddenly he slaps her across the face!
she cries "what was that for ??"
he says " that's for making me laugh when I have chapped lips "
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel..
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and
then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all
the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were
talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons.. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a
disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
> line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel..
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and
then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all
the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were
talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons.. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a
disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
> line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!
From a rosetta stone commercial:
It's a German private on his first day of operating the radio system.
He is instructed to listen for any important things that are broadcasted.
He sits there for a while and begins to drift into boredom.
Suddenly, an American voice comes over the radio.
'Mayday Mayday, This is an American ship, we are sinking we are sinking!'
The private replies cautiously over the microphone:
"Hallo... Hallo, Vhat are you sinking about?
It's a German private on his first day of operating the radio system.
He is instructed to listen for any important things that are broadcasted.
He sits there for a while and begins to drift into boredom.
Suddenly, an American voice comes over the radio.
'Mayday Mayday, This is an American ship, we are sinking we are sinking!'
The private replies cautiously over the microphone:
"Hallo... Hallo, Vhat are you sinking about?
Man walks out of Truro Courthouse with a woman whos in tears.
He puts his arm around her & says "Dont cry, just coz we're divorced. Your still my sister!"
He puts his arm around her & says "Dont cry, just coz we're divorced. Your still my sister!"
Last edited:
O
omega3
Guest
How many Freudian scholars does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two!
One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis....sorry ladder!
How many jueveniles does it take to change a lightbulb?
....your mum!
Two!
One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis....sorry ladder!
How many jueveniles does it take to change a lightbulb?
....your mum!
O
omega3
Guest
*A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a Small village
>> and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
>>
>> He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie
>>
>> 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
>>
>> Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
>>
>> Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
>>
>> Aussie: (look of extreme shock)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the
>> Villager)
>>
>> Dog: 'Yep'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
>>
>> Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
>> and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
>>
>> Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
>>
>> Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
>>
>> Horse: 'Cool'
>>
>> Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
>>
>> Horse: 'Yep'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
>>
>> Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly Brushes
> me
>> down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
>>
>> Aussie: (total look of amazement)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
>>
>> Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar......'
>> and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
>>
>> He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie
>>
>> 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
>>
>> Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
>>
>> Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
>>
>> Aussie: (look of extreme shock)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the
>> Villager)
>>
>> Dog: 'Yep'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
>>
>> Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
>> and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
>>
>> Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
>>
>> Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
>>
>> Horse: 'Cool'
>>
>> Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
>>
>> Horse: 'Yep'
>>
>> Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
>>
>> Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly Brushes
> me
>> down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
>>
>> Aussie: (total look of amazement)
>>
>> Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
>>
>> Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar......'
O
omega3
Guest
*
***
********Jesus Knows You're
Here"
*
*
****
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A burglar
Broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
Around,
Looking for
Valuables when a voice in the dark
Said,
'Jesus
Knows you're here.'
*
He
Nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
Off, and froze.
*
When he heard nothing more,
After a bit, he shook his head and
Continued.
*
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
Heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
*
Freaked
Out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
For the source of the voice.
*
*
*
Finally,
In the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
Rest on a
Parrot.
*
*
*
*
*
**
*
*
*
'Did
You say that?' he hissed
At the parrot.
*
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
Then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
Watching you.'
*
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
Huh? Who in the world are you ?'
*
'Moses,'
Replied the bird.
*
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
*
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'
***
********Jesus Knows You're
Here"
*
*
****
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A burglar
Broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
Around,
Looking for
Valuables when a voice in the dark
Said,
'Jesus
Knows you're here.'
*
He
Nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
Off, and froze.
*
When he heard nothing more,
After a bit, he shook his head and
Continued.
*
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
Heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
*
Freaked
Out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
For the source of the voice.
*
*
*
Finally,
In the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
Rest on a
Parrot.
*
*
*
*
*
**
*
*
*
'Did
You say that?' he hissed
At the parrot.
*
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
Then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
Watching you.'
*
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
Huh? Who in the world are you ?'
*
'Moses,'
Replied the bird.
*
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
*
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
A blonde takes a fancy to a handsome guy at a party. He introduces himself:
"My name is Stephen King. Sometimes I use a pseudonym."
"No need," says the blonde, winking, "I'm on the pill."
"My name is Stephen King. Sometimes I use a pseudonym."
"No need," says the blonde, winking, "I'm on the pill."
A recent survey was sent to all football's premier league supporters clubs asking
What is your view on the the Manchester team managers buying success now and in future seasons of the English premier league?
The survey failed because:
Manchester City supporters didn't understand the word 'team'
Everton supporters didn't understand the word 'buying'
Arsenal supporters didn't understand the word 'success'
Newcastle supporters didn't understand the word 'manager'
Wigan supporters didn't understand the term 'future seasons of the premier league'
Swansea supporters didn't understand the term 'English premier league'
Norwich supporters couldn't read
and Manchester United supporters didn't know where Manchester was
What is your view on the the Manchester team managers buying success now and in future seasons of the English premier league?
The survey failed because:
Manchester City supporters didn't understand the word 'team'
Everton supporters didn't understand the word 'buying'
Arsenal supporters didn't understand the word 'success'
Newcastle supporters didn't understand the word 'manager'
Wigan supporters didn't understand the term 'future seasons of the premier league'
Swansea supporters didn't understand the term 'English premier league'
Norwich supporters couldn't read
and Manchester United supporters didn't know where Manchester was
This year alone British tourists have been stabbed, drowned, decapitated whilst shopping, mauled by polar bears, eaten by sharks, beaten to death in prison, abducted, blown up, and shot....
...and yet David Cameron returns from his Tuscan holiday with not a scratch. There is no God...
...and yet David Cameron returns from his Tuscan holiday with not a scratch. There is no God...
Two commuters meet on the tube:
"Isn't this great?" says one. "You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time."
"Exactly," says the other. "By the way - when does your case come up?"
"Isn't this great?" says one. "You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time."
"Exactly," says the other. "By the way - when does your case come up?"
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."
The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."