i was walking round the cemetary yesterday and i noticed this man crouching behind a headstone
i looked quickly and said "" morning""
he said no actually im having a dump
i looked quickly and said "" morning""
he said no actually im having a dump
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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the damm' skippin'
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the damm' skippin'
HOSPITAL PHONE COVERSATION IN ENGLAND
LADY- hello i would like some information on mrs tiptree she was admitted last week with chest pains , is there any improvement
HOSP-do you know wich ward she is in
LADY- she is on ward 2p room 2b bed 1
HOSP-ill just put you through to the nurse station
NURSE- hello ward 2p how can i help
LADY- i would like to know how mrs tiptree is doing is there any improvement or deteriorisation or is she stable
NURSE-ill just check the notes, im pleased to say , her condition has improved, she has regained her appetite,her temp has stabalised,and after some routine checks tonight, she shoul be well enough to return home tommorrow.
LADY-oh thats wonderful news, im so happy ,thank you ever so much
NURSE-you seem very relieved are you a close friend or relative?
LADY-no im mrs tiptree in room 2b , no one tells you f**k all in here
rofl:crutchrofl:crutch
LADY- hello i would like some information on mrs tiptree she was admitted last week with chest pains , is there any improvement
HOSP-do you know wich ward she is in
LADY- she is on ward 2p room 2b bed 1
HOSP-ill just put you through to the nurse station
NURSE- hello ward 2p how can i help
LADY- i would like to know how mrs tiptree is doing is there any improvement or deteriorisation or is she stable
NURSE-ill just check the notes, im pleased to say , her condition has improved, she has regained her appetite,her temp has stabalised,and after some routine checks tonight, she shoul be well enough to return home tommorrow.
LADY-oh thats wonderful news, im so happy ,thank you ever so much
NURSE-you seem very relieved are you a close friend or relative?
LADY-no im mrs tiptree in room 2b , no one tells you f**k all in here
rofl:crutchrofl:crutch
Great that excercise! Remember we're a bit o' a melting pot over here. Joke at work is "Don't push Al's "IRISH BUTTON"." Which means the Irish in me looses the temper & then the German in me wants to take over Holland & Belgium and the English wants to explain it all away!
:blackeye
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i called the local ramblers club this morning
the guy who answered just whent on and on and on
the guy who answered just whent on and on and on
posh lady having trouble with moles on her lawn she enlists the help of local irish gardener to sort problem out.
she says to him im off out for the day ill ring you later and see how youre getting on.
paddy says no problem
that afternoon she rings home and asks the gardener how he got on
he says ive tidied the garden round and sorted the pests out
how did you do that so quickly she asked
he said i buried the little bast**ds alive
she says to him im off out for the day ill ring you later and see how youre getting on.
paddy says no problem
that afternoon she rings home and asks the gardener how he got on
he says ive tidied the garden round and sorted the pests out
how did you do that so quickly she asked
he said i buried the little bast**ds alive
Guy buys a parrot for pet. Pet store assures him the parrot talks but doesn't disclose it belonged to a notoriously foul-mouthed pirate. Gets the parrot home and don'tcha know it starts swearing up a storm. Dude explains to the parrot he won't tolerate that language. Parrot replies ")(*&^%$#@! you and your ^%$& language rules." With that the new owner loses his cool, grabs the parrot and says "Let's see how you'd like some time out!" as he stuffs the parrot into the freezer. 5 minutes later he pulls the shivering bird out and places him on his perch. He queries the parrot about his choice of descriptive verbage and the parrot replies "I am heartily sorry for my past indescretions and will endevour to keep my language civil in the future." Dude is mightly impressed and asks him if a little time out is all it took. The parrot furtively looks around and says "Yeah...but what did the chicken & turkey do?" :t
Lessons in management
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ***** it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ***** it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Well put apneaboy!
Bear is taking a squat in the woods looks over and sees a rabbit doin' the same. "Hey rabbit does your poo stick to your fur?" asks the bear. The rabbit replies quite uppity "Why no it most certainly does not!" "Great!!!" shouts the bear, grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with him. :blackeye
Bear is taking a squat in the woods looks over and sees a rabbit doin' the same. "Hey rabbit does your poo stick to your fur?" asks the bear. The rabbit replies quite uppity "Why no it most certainly does not!" "Great!!!" shouts the bear, grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with him. :blackeye
a wife is cheesed off with her husband coming in drunk so she tries some reverse phsycology .
her husband staggers in the next night and she is waiting for him in her best lingerie, she sits him down in an armchair and starts to give him a nice shoulder massage.
after a few minutes she says to him , its getting late big boy, why dont we go upstairs to bed.
"we might as well " slurrs the husband " im gonna be in deep shit when i get home anyway"
her husband staggers in the next night and she is waiting for him in her best lingerie, she sits him down in an armchair and starts to give him a nice shoulder massage.
after a few minutes she says to him , its getting late big boy, why dont we go upstairs to bed.
"we might as well " slurrs the husband " im gonna be in deep shit when i get home anyway"
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a scotsman walked into a bakers and points to a cake and says
"is that a macaroon or a meringue ? "
"no" says the lady "youre right its a macaroon"
"is that a macaroon or a meringue ? "
"no" says the lady "youre right its a macaroon"