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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
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Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.
One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"
One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"
W.I.C.O.E.
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE!
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role playEvening
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE!
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role playEvening
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
Just had to post this pic.
The text is in Swedish and reads "Let’s see, I get the house, the car and the cabin! He can take the boat! On second thought, I want that too!“
The text is in Swedish and reads "Let’s see, I get the house, the car and the cabin! He can take the boat! On second thought, I want that too!“
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she
always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving,
around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.
Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This
caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of
my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her
personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley David son Lowrider next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street
around the corner when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a
small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head
and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should
take it back to the dealer?
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she
always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving,
around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.
Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This
caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of
my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her
personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley David son Lowrider next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street
around the corner when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a
small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head
and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should
take it back to the dealer?
Bill Clinton Started Jogging
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.
“No, five dollars!” fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!”
And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled…
“See what you get for five bucks!”
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.
“No, five dollars!” fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!”
And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled…
“See what you get for five bucks!”
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
What do you do when you travelling long distance and get tired?
Stop, have a drink, set up two chairs, use the pump as a camera, resting on the wine box, and pull over cars for speeding.
And have a good laugh………..
View attachment 11300
View attachment 11301
View attachment 11302
Stop, have a drink, set up two chairs, use the pump as a camera, resting on the wine box, and pull over cars for speeding.
And have a good laugh………..
View attachment 11300
View attachment 11301
View attachment 11302
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An Irish man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him
on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irish man returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irish man nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I
t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skippin' !!!!!"
on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irish man returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irish man nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I
t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skippin' !!!!!"
Reminds me of the little girl who,on the morning of her birthday,rushes out into the garden and starts shovelling the one-ton pile of farmyard manure her dad had delivered the previous evening.
"What you doing,Katie?" asks her dad,"Come inside for your presents."
"You can't fool me,Dad,"says Katie,"I know there's a pony in here somewhere!"
"What you doing,Katie?" asks her dad,"Come inside for your presents."
"You can't fool me,Dad,"says Katie,"I know there's a pony in here somewhere!"
This one is for my friend Spaghetti and for all Italians 
http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html
Funny thing is that if it was made for Bulgaria the only different thing would be the position of the stripes on the flag
As Bulgaria is becoming a EU member as of January 1, 2007 you guys will not be alone in making a mess out of Europe
Viva Italia!
http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html
Funny thing is that if it was made for Bulgaria the only different thing would be the position of the stripes on the flag
As Bulgaria is becoming a EU member as of January 1, 2007 you guys will not be alone in making a mess out of Europe
Viva Italia!
Dobs said:This one is for my friend Spaghetti and for all Italians
http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html
Funny thing is that if it was made for Bulgaria the only different thing would be the position of the stripes on the flag
As Bulgaria is becoming a EU member as of January 1, 2007 you guys will not be alone in making a mess out of Europe
Viva Italia!
If it wasn't for the flag I would have thought that it was about Israel!rofl
Said
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
15 Things to do in the department store while the wifes shopping:
1 Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
4 Walk up to an employee and tell em in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... watch what happened.
5 Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell the
shoppers youll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, pick your nose, and eat it.
10 While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11 Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12 In the auto department, practise your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
15 Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while; then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
1 Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
4 Walk up to an employee and tell em in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... watch what happened.
5 Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell the
shoppers youll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, pick your nose, and eat it.
10 While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11 Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12 In the auto department, practise your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
15 Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while; then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"