Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits
alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

 

[podge]

A chap says to his wife, "Say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
"Ok, she replies, "Your d**k is bigger than your brother's."

 

[Freediver81]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going
to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2
other female friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess
which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She
immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
I don't like her."

 

[Freediver81]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge

continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with

a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow

a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

 

[Freediver81]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy, "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I

want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

[Donna]

THE FACE CLOTH

(There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over
this!)

A lady was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her there was a cancellation and the 9:30am appointment was available. She took it. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time she was not going to be able to make the
full effort. So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in "that
area" to make sure she was at least presentable. She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in.
Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?" She didn't respond. After the appointment,
she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...
some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when her six year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my wash cloth?"

She told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No!!!" She yelled, " I need the one that was here by the
hand basin, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"

 

[monofin_diva]

the only joke i know, cheesy.. yes yes.. i know so don't go spearing me anyone.


Q.
what do you call a cow with no legs?

A.
ground beef

 

[mishu1984]

one for my fellow arabs (yeah i know it sounds korny)

what do you get when you cross-breed a Sheikh with an Imam?

SHAMAM

 

[Freediver81]

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it came back
there were still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note
to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
"Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up! The Chinese man responded with
his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass ."

 

[podge]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have
an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he
saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang,, bang",
and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."

 

[podge]

WHY MEN AREN'T PUBLISHED IN "DEAR ABBY":
>Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your
>advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some
>time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...
>phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going
>out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she
>always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
>I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
>walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
>my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last
>night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I
>was going to park my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and
>then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she
>came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I
>noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
>oil.
>Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

[Freediver81]

JOE's Last Will and Testament provided $30,000 for an elaborate
funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen,
turned to her oldest friend…………..


"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.


"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"


"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."


"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"


Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the
church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went
for the memorial stone."


Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
is it?!"


"Two and a half carats ."

 

[josedesucre]

I just read this somewhere else:

Two blonde girls decide to go pick up a natural Christmas tree,
so they grab an axe, head for the forest and start searching for a good one.
But, after almost an hour they still haven't find one they like.
Finally, one of them got tired and says to the other one:
that's it, we will take the next one, ...
no matter if it has the cristal balls or not !!! rofl

 

[Freediver81]

Embarrassment


An Australian kid named Billy was at school his school in Canberra this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

rofl

 

[Bill]

Holiday Cooking Instructions

ingredients

1 large turkey
1 small turkey

Instructions

Take the two turkeys and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

Aloha
Bill
*
*

 

[Boomstick]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big fish today, but at least I got laid.

 

[kmo]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued . . . and WON!
(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the
company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the
claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART . . .

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

 

[josedesucre]

Phisician's funeral

Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist".

That's when the proctologist fainted !!!

 

[miles]

Children..........

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm,
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about
to turn off the light, when he asked with a tremor in
his voice :"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a re-assuring hug. "I can't
dear", she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last, by his shaky little voice :" The
big sissy!"

 

[Freediver81]

Family Court Ruling from the Sydney Morning Herald,

Australia (AP) Fri 12/01/07



A seven years old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.