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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
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Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could
pull
this one off! From the state where drink driving is considered a sport,
comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find
his
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted
the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few cm,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes
as
some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out
of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the
Breathalyser
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the
Police station this Breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
pull
this one off! From the state where drink driving is considered a sport,
comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find
his
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted
the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few cm,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes
as
some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out
of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the
Breathalyser
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the
Police station this Breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
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Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your
Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look That Old?" Well ...
You'll Love This One!!
I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.
I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I R Emembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then??
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any
Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was 'way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
Hmmm ...or Could He???
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morganparkhigh School.
"yes. Yes, I Did. I Had A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.
"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.
He Answered, "in 1969. Why Do You Ask?"
"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly, Old, Wrinkled Son-of-a-bitch Asked,
"what Did You Teach?"
Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look That Old?" Well ...
You'll Love This One!!
I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.
I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I R Emembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then??
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any
Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was 'way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
Hmmm ...or Could He???
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morganparkhigh School.
"yes. Yes, I Did. I Had A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.
"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.
He Answered, "in 1969. Why Do You Ask?"
"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly, Old, Wrinkled Son-of-a-bitch Asked,
"what Did You Teach?"
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a
photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much
thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or
so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the
photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much
anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me 6 months ago"
photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much
thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or
so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the
photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much
anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me 6 months ago"
Hahahaha liked the decoy one bro....
Heres another one of those parking lot incidents!
So this guy comes out the pub just before closing time car keys in hand.
The local policeman made it his mission on nights when the town was quiet to hang out around the pub so he could at least earn his bonus by pullin over a few drunk drivers. So there he is and notices the guy staggering out the door with keys in hand, his first victim for the night...
The guy stumbles around the parking lot for a while mumbling to himself and finally goes to stand by a empty parking bay moving his key, as if there should be a lock there.
The cop bein a good guy gets out of his patrol car and goes over to the guy,
"Sorry sir is there a problem" He says "Yesh my carsh gone" mumbles the drunk. "Well where did you last see it" the cop asks, " Rite here on the end of thish key" the guy says.
Ok the cop thinks to himself and looks the guy up and down, he then notices that the drunks fly is open and his willy is dangling out for all to see.
"Sir your fly is open and if you dont cover yourself up Ill have to book you for public drunkenness and indecent exposure"
The guy looks down and looks back up with a look of utter astonishment and horror in his face screaming, "God o god no they stole my girlfreind too!!!"
Heres another one of those parking lot incidents!
So this guy comes out the pub just before closing time car keys in hand.
The local policeman made it his mission on nights when the town was quiet to hang out around the pub so he could at least earn his bonus by pullin over a few drunk drivers. So there he is and notices the guy staggering out the door with keys in hand, his first victim for the night...
The guy stumbles around the parking lot for a while mumbling to himself and finally goes to stand by a empty parking bay moving his key, as if there should be a lock there.
The cop bein a good guy gets out of his patrol car and goes over to the guy,
"Sorry sir is there a problem" He says "Yesh my carsh gone" mumbles the drunk. "Well where did you last see it" the cop asks, " Rite here on the end of thish key" the guy says.
Ok the cop thinks to himself and looks the guy up and down, he then notices that the drunks fly is open and his willy is dangling out for all to see.
"Sir your fly is open and if you dont cover yourself up Ill have to book you for public drunkenness and indecent exposure"
The guy looks down and looks back up with a look of utter astonishment and horror in his face screaming, "God o god no they stole my girlfreind too!!!"
This bloke walks into a pub. He walks up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman puts an apple on the table. The bloke looks at it and says, “I’m sorry, I said I wanted a rum and coke.’
‘Just try the apple,’ says the barman. So the guy bites into the apple.
‘Wow,’ he says. ‘This tastes like rum. The barman tells him to turn it around and bite it again. ‘ Wow, this tastes like Coke.’
A minute later another bloke walks into the pub and asks the barman for a gin and tonic. The barman puts an apple on the bar leaving this bloke just as confused as the first, but the first bloke urges him to try it, so the guy bites into it.
‘Wow!’ he exclaims, ‘it tastes like gin.’ The first bloke tells him to turn it around and bites it again.
‘Wow it tastes like tonic,’ says the second bloke.
Later that night a third bloke walks in and joins the two blokes at the bar. The first two are so excited about these apples that they tell this third bloke that the barman has an apple for whichever taste you want. So the guy asks for an apple that tastes like a vagina. The barman puts the apple on the table and the guy bites into it.
‘Urggh,’ he shouts. ‘This tastes like SHIT!!!’
‘Turn it around,’ says the barman.
‘Just try the apple,’ says the barman. So the guy bites into the apple.
‘Wow,’ he says. ‘This tastes like rum. The barman tells him to turn it around and bite it again. ‘ Wow, this tastes like Coke.’
A minute later another bloke walks into the pub and asks the barman for a gin and tonic. The barman puts an apple on the bar leaving this bloke just as confused as the first, but the first bloke urges him to try it, so the guy bites into it.
‘Wow!’ he exclaims, ‘it tastes like gin.’ The first bloke tells him to turn it around and bites it again.
‘Wow it tastes like tonic,’ says the second bloke.
Later that night a third bloke walks in and joins the two blokes at the bar. The first two are so excited about these apples that they tell this third bloke that the barman has an apple for whichever taste you want. So the guy asks for an apple that tastes like a vagina. The barman puts the apple on the table and the guy bites into it.
‘Urggh,’ he shouts. ‘This tastes like SHIT!!!’
‘Turn it around,’ says the barman.
A young blonde woman in Perth was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Narrows Bridge.
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered
by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement
with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. I get food
and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. - "this is the Rottnest Ferry."
her life by throwing herself from the Narrows Bridge.
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered
by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement
with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. I get food
and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. - "this is the Rottnest Ferry."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through
the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a
raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man
replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
gates "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through
the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a
raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man
replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
SOME MORE CHRISTMAS CHEER
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AND SOME MORE...
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,
they are like onions".
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,
they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases.
through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
the innocence of youth...
This is absolutely hilarious:
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
she read,.....
"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:........"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*** me! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
This is absolutely hilarious:
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
she read,.....
"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:........"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*** me! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Here it is, Monday noon and I'm not in trouble yet. One last try before the football game....
News release
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts. This is considered to be a major
breakthrough because women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.
Bill
News release
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts. This is considered to be a major
breakthrough because women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.
Bill
The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the premiership.
One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is
suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 3-0 down to Southampton with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives
the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first
game in the Premiership. Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves
me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and
I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're f**king sorry???? It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is
suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 3-0 down to Southampton with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives
the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first
game in the Premiership. Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves
me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and
I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're f**king sorry???? It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"