Jokes Thread!!!

[deep thinker]

Letters between couple

"My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:


"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

 

[Freediver81]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

 

[Freediver81]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

[Boomstick]

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who
cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull
your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link.

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

 

[Boomstick]

And the Irish Conman said to his unwitting mark....

"If youz can guess how many watches I'm wear'in, youz can keep both of 'em."

 

[bdurrett]

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who
cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull
your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link.

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Yeah but how do you explain it to the FBI/CIA/MI-6/BND/<Insert your local SuperSecretSecurity folks here> when the wheels hit the pavement? and what does it say in the Arabic above the numbers? Hopefully something like "Stupid People shouldn't breed" or something.... otherwise you could end up with a long-term, one-way ticket to the garden spot of the world - Guantanamo Bay!

 

[Boomstick]

Yeah but how do you explain it to the FBI/CIA/MI-6/BND/<Insert your local SuperSecretSecurity folks here> when the wheels hit the pavement?

You don't............. it's a JOKE.
And if anyone was dumb enough to try it they deserve to go to GB.

and what does it say in the Arabic above the numbers?

It says
"Don't worry this is JOKE"

:duh

 

[bdurrett]

You don't............. it's a JOKE.
And if anyone was dumb enough to try it they deserve to go to GB.




It says
"Don't worry this is JOKE"

:duh

Well, like one of the correlaries of Murphy's Law says (or it could have been a quote from Albert Einstein too...)

"Just when you think that you have made something completely idiot-proof, the universe will go out and create a better idiot!" rofl rofl

I could imagine a couple of people I know being just quite dense enough to try something like this stunt.... Of course, they are the same ones with their pictures used for an advert for Planned Parenthood - "This is what you could end up with if you DON'T use Birth Control!"

The joke reminds me of a card I created for an extraordinarily nosy co-worker who used to go around snooping at the stuff on people's desk in the office....

On the outside, it was covered in what looked like lace and in a very fine ("wedding-style") script, it said, in big beautiful letters, "You are Cordially Invited..."

On the inside, once you opened it, it had a picture of a skull and crossbones in the classic "WARNINGOISON black-and-white" and letters using a very nasty black font that said "...TO MIND YOUR OWN FU%^ING BUSINESS!"

I left it on my desk, face up (of course) then walked around the corner and hid. ALL of the other people in the office KNEW what I was up to so they were all watching... Sure enough, Sally the Snoop immediately went to my desk, looked it over, saw the card, picked it up, opened it, turned red as a fire truck, dropped it and went back to her desk amid GALES of laughter from everyone. She was SO busted but she never did that again... at least not to me!

 

[Boomstick]

I did a similar thing but I booby trapped the card with glitter and confetti

I also got an electro shock pen for the office pen-thief, but the MD picked it up instead

rofl

 

[Freediver81]

and what does it say in the Arabic above the numbers? QUOTE]


It's just a bunch of arabic letters and not any words!

Said

p.s. loved your card trick!

 

[Freediver81]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied," 'Cause you're ugly."

 

[bdurrett]

I also got an electro shock pen for the office pen-thief, but the MD picked it up instead

rofl

I KNOW how that goes... My MD walked out of the office and went back to the UK... with MY laptop and left his in the docking station on my desk :head...... 2 weeks later while I was in the UK for a meeting (and to get my laptop back :vangry), he then tried to leave the office wearing MY sport coat... until he realized that the sleeves were about 6 cm too long and it was black, not navy blue..... :duh

Nice guy but the elevator doesn't go quite all the way to the top..... rofl

 

[Freediver81]

New Wine for Seniors



California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.


The new wine will be marketed as...



wait for it!







PINO MORE




I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

 

[Donna]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat whilst she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange contents, but soon his curiosity got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

And do you know what? I haven't had the flu all winter........."

 

[Donna]

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but will have the secretaries write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT". On the way to the office he regrets what he has done realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat, and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

SEND THE RENT IN FULL OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO CONTACT YOUR PRESENT LANDLADY

rofl rofl

 

[deep thinker]

Havent heard one of these in a while
Two Blonde Carpenters

Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry
work on a house. Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach
into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or
nail it in. Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are
you
throwing those nails away?"

Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end; and I throw them away."

Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house."

 

[Freediver81]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.

A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

 

[Freediver81]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he
saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I
also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in
Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[deep thinker]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes
her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what
would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the
airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait
for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!" rofl

 

[Freediver81]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS


Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
.........................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
.........................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl".
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
...........................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
..........................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
..........................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
.........................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
..........................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .”
..........................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
..........................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
..........................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
..........................................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is
it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
.........................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
...........................................................
Amarillo High School and Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin')