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Jokes Thread!!!

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
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"Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly? "



To be honest, I am just happy she didn't choose the car
 
Reactions: donnachad
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off! *****

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

ENOUGH of that crap.

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
 
Reactions: apneaboy and agbiv
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
 
Reactions: apneaboy, Bill and agbiv
Military Training Manuals
WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS




'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-


'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'​
 
Reactions: devondave
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.

And that, my friends, is how company policies are made.
 
A man in hospital has bowel problems.
He's lying in his bed, and feels he needs a shit.
He stands up, goes to the toilet, but nothing comes.
So he lies back down on the bed.
This happens continuously, until one time he needs.
"oh sod it, it'll be the same he thinks."
But out it comes and he shits all over the bed.

He panics and doesn't know what to do, so he just grabs them, throws them together, and launches them out of the window.

Down below, it startles a drunk, so he starts swinging his fists at this sheet.
A police man walks over and asks
"What is the problem here..?"

The drunk replys,
"I'm not sure. But I think I just knocked the shit out of a ghost."
 
Reactions: agbiv
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go. (So to speak.)

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Done deal.

*********************************
 
Reactions: agbiv
Whats the differance between people in Dubai and Abu Dubai? Peolple in Dubai dont watch the Flintstones . But the people in Abu Dadi doo!

Sorry I thought it was funny????
 
Reactions: island_sands and agbiv
I've just bought an air freshener and on the side of the can it says:

Aroma: Neutral.

It doesn't make scents
 
my old aunt used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
Reactions: agbiv, ReefTroll and Bill
THREE LITTLE PIGS new version. once upon a time there were three pigs and one day while they were walking to market out jumped a big bad wolf. he started beating up the pigs , so they ran away to pig no-1's house, which was made of wood, so the wolf set it on fire, they run to pig no2's house made of hay, so he blows it down they run to pig no-3's house which is made of bricks, but this is a modern wolf and he gets a bulldozer and as he is about to smash the house down pig no-1 says "HOLD UP! wait", and pulls out his cell phone and makes a call. now the wolf is outside crashing into the side of the brick house , and just then a limo pulls up, out jump 2 pigs dressed in black pinstriped suits with machine guns, and they start shooting the wolf. they shoot him up and kill him and the other 2 pigs ask pig no-1 " who the hell were those guys?" he says " those are my cousins the guinea pigs.
 
Reactions: agbiv
A husband was helping his wife set up a password for her PC and typed: “MYPENIS”

The computer responded,
“Not long enough, must be 8 ..............”
 
Reactions: foxfish
A woman once said that 'you have to play a man like a deck of cards
and have...'
A heart to love him,
A diamond to marry him,
A club to bash his brains in and
A spade to bury him with.
 
Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.
 
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