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Jokes Thread!!!

Thread Status: Hello , There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
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Am Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now I ask you, what the F@#k would you have said?
 
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there...” as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...

“Your badge, show him your BADGE!”
 
Reactions: Spiderman
top joke Bill

Been trying to add some rep to the top jokes past 3 weeks but it just aint possible on an itouch!
 
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Reactions: apneaboy
Argh! Stupid techno thingumies giving away my bunker location!
But you're all welcome for tea, biscuits and the alcoholic jellies I have right now!
 
Reactions: apneaboy
ReefTroll said:
Argh! Stupid techno thingumies giving away my bunker location!
But you're all welcome for tea, biscuits and the alcoholic jellies I have right now!
Click to expand...

Cheers.
Dunno bout stupid but "damn" for sure... was just virtually
stood on the corner of Aintree and Mulsanne on google maps... nice hood! like the red flowered tree on the right going up Aintree . Has the rubble been cleared from the house on the corner yet?

Shocking aint it!
 
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a jew a black guy and a priest, walk into a bar..........(oh wait, wrong joke)

bo and jo:

two homeless guys living in the big city, wake up one morning , in an alley.
the one bum says to the other bum- "hey bo, you got any money?"
bo says "35cents is all" jo says," i got 70cents"
"that aint enough for wine" bo said
so jo comes up with a plan: " we gonna take our money and put it together
buy a hot dog. i will stuff it in my pants, we will go into the local pub and order a couple drinks, drink em, then i will step back from the bar, unzip my pants,whip out the hot dog, then you get on your knees and start sucking on it. the bartender will throw us out, and we wont have to buy our drinks!"
so, off they go to try it out, they go in the first bar, order a couple of whiskey shots, then bo starts feeling on jo's leg, and before you know it, he is licking the hot dog.
the bartender starts yelling and throws them out of the bar for being obscene.
so , bo and jo, continue on a spree,going into bar after pub and pulling the same trick. now they have had a few drinks and bo starts to get a little hungry, he says, "hey jo, why dont you let me have half that hot dog? i am drunk now anyway"
jo says, "i ate that hot dog after the first bar"
 
Reactions: jay cluskey
what do mopeds and fat girls have in common?

they are both fun to ride,
until your friends see you.

why do italian men wear mustaches?

so they can look like their mothers
 
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ha ha, yeah it's a nice quiet place. That house is interesting, it's diagonally opposite us and is in disarray. I think he ran out of money after the "dismantling" stage of renovation and works on it himself quite randomly, whilst living there full time. It's not even half a house. Good luck to him I guess!
 
Reactions: jay cluskey
Guy goes to the dentist with severe tooth pain. Dentist tells him he has a cracked tooth and must extract--just a little novacaine and out in 5 minutes. Patient declines because he hates novacaine! He goes to another and same story. Dr. won't pull the tooth without the pain killer. He goes to a third dentist and tells him about the other two and his dislike of the novacaine. The new dentist tells him that he will give him a viagra and the pull the tooth. The guy is astounded! "I'm glad you'll pull the tooth without novacaine but why the viagra?" asked the patient.

The dentist replies "It's going to hurt like hell and without pain killer you'll have to have something to hang onto!" :blackeye
 
Reactions: ReefTroll and apneaboy
For his fortieth birthday a guys wife buys him a lovely new Rolex.

"Do you like it?" she asks

"Yes, it's great, whenever I look at it it reminds me of your p*ssy"

The wife laughed, asking "Is that because it's sexy and exclusive?"

"Nope, it's a bit loose around my wrist" he replies.
 
Reactions: jay cluskey and apneaboy
One of the Queen's own popped a little blue pill and it got caught under his tongue--gave him a stiff upper lip. :hmm

Old dude was about to score and popped a blue wonder without a drink--got stuck in his throat--gave him a stiff neck. :crutch
 
Reactions: podge
Old bloke goes into chemist to buy some viagra. Says "Can I have 6 tablets cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you but a quarter wont give you a full erection?" says the Chemist.
"I am 96" says the old bloke, "I dont want an erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont piss on my slippers.."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Reactions: agbiv
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good
to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in
and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time
the bartender serves up four iced martinis *shaken, not stirred and says,
That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They
can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,
and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying
"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets
the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a
dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor,
beer, *it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting
for Happy Hour ..................
when drinks are half-price."

********************************************
 
Reactions: jay cluskey, agbiv and apneaboy
Suicide bombers: If you really want to see 70 virgins, then simply pop down to GAME at midnight.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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