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Jokes Thread!!!
- Thread startermiles
- Start date
Thread Status: Hello
, There was no answer in this thread for more than 60 days.
It can take a long time to get an up-to-date response or contact with relevant users.
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Im with Poida! Im just above Mosquitos in terms of location, trouble is the local drivers. They're only just above the mosquitos in terms of ability!
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I am here: [ame="http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=-27.530614,153.060058"]Google Maps[/ame]
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I am here: [ame="http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=-27.530614,153.060058"]Google Maps[/ame]
I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.
I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.
I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
Your joke reminds me of an actual incident between myself and Mr Plod when I was younger. I had competed in a bike race earlier in the day, and had a malfunction whilst sprinting resulting in me teraing a fairly substantial amount of muscle in my leg. So, that's all well and good, and I was meeting my mates at the local leagues club for a game of pool before we headed off to one of their houses for some films. So with me driving past the bottle store on the way there I took everybodies orders for drink and stuck them all in a box and put said box into my passenger seat.
So off to the club, played pool, didn't drink, got in my car to drive home. Plodsky follows us out, then pulls both myself and my mate over.
Cop - "Had anything to drink tonight?"
Me - "No"
Cop - "I doubt that, you've been drinking a bit given there's a box of bottles in your car."
Me - "They're all sealed officer"
Cop - "You'll have to wait to be breathalised, my partner is just using it on your friend. Can you step out of the car please?"
Me - "I'd rather not" (Having a very sore, and rapidly cooling with the night, leg)
Cop - "Why not smart-arse? Been drinking too much?"
Me - "No I..."
Cop - "I don't want to bloody hear it, get OUT."
So out I get, shaking on my sore leg, unable to stand properly.
Cop - "get your wallet, you're done mate..."
I turn to get my wallet and my leg spasms a bit and I fall into my car and end up sprawled over the bottles. And knowing how it looked I have let out a bit of a giggle.
The cop goes nuts, swearing, laughing, telling me I'll love my night in lock up etc etc.
Over comes his partner. "What's wrong here?" So I explain the story... blow 0.00 and am apologized to before the senior member reminds the junior that sometimes a few questions can straighten out a situation. Rather amusing.
So off to the club, played pool, didn't drink, got in my car to drive home. Plodsky follows us out, then pulls both myself and my mate over.
Cop - "Had anything to drink tonight?"
Me - "No"
Cop - "I doubt that, you've been drinking a bit given there's a box of bottles in your car."
Me - "They're all sealed officer"
Cop - "You'll have to wait to be breathalised, my partner is just using it on your friend. Can you step out of the car please?"
Me - "I'd rather not" (Having a very sore, and rapidly cooling with the night, leg)
Cop - "Why not smart-arse? Been drinking too much?"
Me - "No I..."
Cop - "I don't want to bloody hear it, get OUT."
So out I get, shaking on my sore leg, unable to stand properly.
Cop - "get your wallet, you're done mate..."
I turn to get my wallet and my leg spasms a bit and I fall into my car and end up sprawled over the bottles. And knowing how it looked I have let out a bit of a giggle.
The cop goes nuts, swearing, laughing, telling me I'll love my night in lock up etc etc.
Over comes his partner. "What's wrong here?" So I explain the story... blow 0.00 and am apologized to before the senior member reminds the junior that sometimes a few questions can straighten out a situation. Rather amusing.
3 Irish men in a pub called Mick, Pat & Tat. The barman says "r u all related?" Mick sez "yeah we're triplets!" Barman sez "Triplets!, how come U&Pat r 6ft tall & Tat is only 4ft tall?", "Well!" sez Mick "me & Pat were breast fed so there was no TIT for TAT!"
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Order now for Christmas... The new radio1 Xmas CD with the cover versions you never thought you'd hear:
Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me;
Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now;
John Terry - Ebony & Ivory
Katie Price - like a Virgin;
Rihanna - hit me baby one more time;
Michael Jackson - the drugs don't work;
Joseph Fritzl - love shack;
Stephen Hawking - Im still standing!l
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Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me;
Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now;
John Terry - Ebony & Ivory
Katie Price - like a Virgin;
Rihanna - hit me baby one more time;
Michael Jackson - the drugs don't work;
Joseph Fritzl - love shack;
Stephen Hawking - Im still standing!l
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Just back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt, but as i told everyone at the service 'its what he would have wanted' !
Here's whar tall tales were invented and theres whar they were perfected. It's not how tall you are--it's whether you shoot straight or not. 6'2" - if'n they're out of elementary school. 
Guts or Balls -- There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions... Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions... Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
ElfYourself by OfficeMax - Powered by JibJab
Who's santas new little helper hahahahaaa
Iiiiittttssssssssssssssssssssss Podge! mwahahahaaaa
Click on the elf yourself link, then click on country on the left hand side, its mint
Merry Xmas
Who's santas new little helper hahahahaaa
Iiiiittttssssssssssssssssssssss Podge! mwahahahaaaa
Click on the elf yourself link, then click on country on the left hand side, its mint
Merry Xmas
A guy wants to buy a parrot, so he has a look around the pet shop and eventually finds one he thinks is perfect. He calls over the shop assistant and asks what the parrot costs.
"Oh, that parrot costs £5000, sir, mainly because it can read and write."
"Hmm, I don't need a parrot that can read and write," says the guy. "What about the one in the next cage?"
"Oh, that one costs £10,000, sir. It's an expert in physics and mathematics."
"Hmm, I don't need a parrot that knows anything about physics and mathematics. What about this one over here?" says the guy, pointing to a rather old, mangy-looking bird.
"I'm sorry, sir," says the shop assistant, "that one costs £25,000. We don't really know what he can do, but the other two call him 'Boss'."
"Oh, that parrot costs £5000, sir, mainly because it can read and write."
"Hmm, I don't need a parrot that can read and write," says the guy. "What about the one in the next cage?"
"Oh, that one costs £10,000, sir. It's an expert in physics and mathematics."
"Hmm, I don't need a parrot that knows anything about physics and mathematics. What about this one over here?" says the guy, pointing to a rather old, mangy-looking bird.
"I'm sorry, sir," says the shop assistant, "that one costs £25,000. We don't really know what he can do, but the other two call him 'Boss'."
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club
Just watched that 'Buried' film and have to say it's the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen, If I wanted to watch a guy going mental in a box I'd go to the train station and watch the tramps.
A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.
I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get
numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have
10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.
I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get
numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have
10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show