Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Beer and puts it in theri cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!!", replies the husband.
"Put them bakc, its a waste of money", demands the wife.
And so he does and they carry on shopping. As they get to the cosmetics department the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing??" Asks the husband.
"It's my face cream, It makes me look beautiful!.' replies the wife.

Her husband answers her: "So does the 24 cans of beer and they are half the price!!!".

 

[manalive!]

A dead guy finds himself at the pearly gates trying to enter heaven.
"Hang on, you can't just walk in" says St Peter, "You need to prove that you lead a worthy life on earth"
"Errr, there was the time a young woman was being set upon by a gang of hells angels"
"Go on" says St Peter
"Well, I thought it wasn't right, so I picked out the biggest, meanest one, ran up to him, punched him in the face as hard as I could and then kicked him in the nuts"
"Impressive" says St Peter, "and, when was this?"
"Ohhhh, about 2 minutes ago" the guy replies.

 

[Scoobaru]

After her 9th baby a blonde woman goes to the doctors:
"I don't know how I get pregnant so often, there must be something in the air?"
"yes your legs!" replies the doctor

 

[Bill]

the prostitute

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE*


An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.* Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.* Where have ye been all this time, child?*
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?* Why didn't ye call?* Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'**

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'**

'Ye what ?* Get outta here, ye shameless harlot!..*Sinner!..* You're a disgrace to this*family.'**


'OK, Dad... As ye wish.* I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.*
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'*


'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'


'Oh! Be Jesus!..*Ye scared me half to death, girl!*
I thought ye said a*Protestant.*
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

 

[Scoobaru]

A little boy tells his teacher he found a dead cat. "how did you know it was dead?" asked the teacher. "because I pissed in its ear, and it didn't move" replied the boy. The teacher shrieked "you did what??"
"you know" said the little boy, "I lent over, and went psssstt and it didn't move".

 

[Scoobaru]

How I learned to mind my own business.......

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, all the patients were shouting "13....13....13...."
The fence was too high to see over but i saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they started shouting "14....14....14...."

 

[Spiderman]

Must be bad vis - the jokes thread has woken up again!

 

[manalive!]

I keep one of Peter Pan's turds with me at all times. That shit never gets old.

 

[Scoobaru]

Pretty girls at a party are like parking spaces if you turn up late there all taken so you end up sticking it in the disabled one when no ones looking

 

[Scoobaru]

The human body is wondering who is the leader.
The heart says Its me i circulate the blood.
The brain says No its me because i control everything.
The liver says No its me because i feed.
And the anus said no it's me.
THEY ALL LAUGH.
Then the anus refused to open for 7 days. The liver exploded, the brain was stewed and the heart stopped beating.
Moral of the story ....Even an asshole can be a leader

 

[Bill]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when
you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball
there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for
you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash
of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad
news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet
all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never
rains or snows.. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we
never get tired..'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the
bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

 

[w1s3b0y]

girlfriends are like buses.

you wait for ages, and i like the bendy ones best.

 

[Azrael3000]

Two British and an Irish stroll along a beach when they find an old bottle. According to classical joke theory the pick it up and rub it. *Puff* the genie appears and grants every one of them one wish. John, the first of the British says:
"Well I for my part would like that everything non-british would dissapear from my country"
"So it shall be" answers the genie.
Next is Mike the other british guy:
"So that now Britain belongs to the British again, I'd like to build a wall all around the kingdom so that we Brits can stay amongst ourselves."
The genie nods and says: "Your wish is my command".
Finally it's the turn of Paddy, the Irish, so he says
"All the Brits are in Britain, everybody else is out and they have a huge wall around the country that doesn't let anybody in. Well, then please fill it up with water."

 

[IsaacND]

One for the country folk.

A big-city lawyer from London went pheasant hunting in the Westcountry. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded,
"I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
in the country, and if you don't let me get that bird, I'll sue
you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
do things in Devon. Down here we settle small disagreements
like this with the 'Three-Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "Just what IS the Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times, and then
you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone
gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the city chap. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer's nose off his face. The
attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to
the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned
every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said,
"Okay, you old tramp, now it's MY turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah bey, I give up. You can have the pheasant."

 

[Bill]

Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room:

"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel"...

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter..."

Husband: "No, it's a maintenance matter: The window won't open! "

 

[agbiv]

An Alaskan's wife goes out sea kayaking one day--and doesn't return. He informs the authorites and after two days the doorbell rings. Outside is a State Trooper dragging a large ice chest. He says "I've got bad news, good news and really great news!" The Alaskan, worried about his wife, tells the Trooper to start with the bad news. "Well Sir" says the Trooper, "I regret to inform you that your wife was lost at sea and has drowned." The man begins sobbing but asks for the good news. The Trooper pats him on the back and tells "Not only did we recover her body, but when we pulled it up there were 5 King Crabs, 6 Opilio and 8 Dungies attached to her--I've gottem' right here in the cooler for you!" Startled the recent widower blurts out "Then what, for the love of God, is the really great news?"

The Trooper calmy explains "Look, today's catch is all yours, but when we pull her up tomorrow we hope to double up and split with you!"

 

[Bill]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out diving in that?"

 

[Bill]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[foxfish]

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"

His dad explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".

 

[Bill]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"